My Baby Is A Pillow.

22 Apr

pillow“You’re sitting in a wheelchair, looking at your premature baby in an incubator, and you’ve just gotten out of surgery, having almost died. Aaaaaand…action.”

I fixed my eyes on what I decided was the “incubator”. A burgundy throw pillow, on the opposite side of the room.

“Take your time with this… I’m going to improv with you between your lines.” The casting director fired up the camera.

Oh no. Ok. Well, here goes.

Me: “Doctor, I —“

“YES, how can I help.”

Oh. This is like, a lot of improv. Between all the words.

“Doctor, I—“

“Mm-hmm.”

“…I am wondering if my baby will be—“

“Yes.”

“—be… OK. If she will be ok…”

My eyes were welling up. I held on tightly to my wheelchair, which was a plastic office chair with normal legs. I tried to seem “Tired. Recently surgeried.” Continue reading

Culture Club.

14 Apr

lacma-james-turrellThat room right there in that photo? Totally glowy in hot pink light, that you get to stand in the middle of, blissfully losing touch with reality, even though you’ve got super-dork booties on your feet. Like you’re some kinda hippie barefoot doctor of… not helping people.

My friend Chris Turnham asked if Ervin and I wanted to go to LACMA (Los Angeles County Mega Awesome…right?) to see the James Turrell retrospective, a few weeks back.

“YES!!” I said. And then, “Who is James Turrell?” is what I typed into Google. Ah-HA. He does art with light and something or…. I don’t know. But everyone and their blogging bestie was raving about this show. I wasn’t NOT gonna go. Continue reading

Crybaby.

7 Mar

bey-cryI went to a callback yesterday for a job that I’m definitely booking because if there’s one thing I know about this town, it’s that forcing your hair into beachy waves and whitening your teeth with a homemade peroxide solution equals a successful career!

I arrived at this callback in the same clothes I wore for the first audition, two days before. I felt like a homeless person who has a crumpled business suit tucked away for special occasions.

In the casting office lobby, I found a bunch of “Moms” like me but more symmetrical, child actors with their real Moms and nannies, and some nerdy looking “Dads”. All the kids were glued to iPhones and iPads. A slurry of psychotic sounding music was softly annoying everyone.

The casting director announced the next grouping of Dad, Mom and kid. “OK! Next up, is…. Tiffany, Mark, and Slayden-Jet-Applesauce.” The kids had the cool names. Continue reading

Chocolate Peanut Butter Dog Turds.

24 Feb

pb-chocolate-dog-turds-01Heyyyyyy!

This is a diversion from the usual thing around here. Februarurary is a weird month for me because it’s my bday times. Aquarius rules. But according to astrology, Uranus is my true ruler, so that’s…

Anyway, I always feel like my bday is my own private New Years. SO MUCH REFLECTION on the year past and the one hopefully coming up. So I usually go off the deep end, then return back to reality and realize “Y’know… maybe I need a little P&Q”. Peas and quarrots. Or peace and quiet, in my brain. Because obsessing about omg-what-have-I-even-done-with-my-life-everything-is-going-by-so-fast-what-if-I-die-before-I-ever-do-anything-meaningful — really is useless energy that I could be turning toward something like an interesting knitting project.

If I knew how to knit.

Dammit.

So. In lieu of anything meaningful, here are some chocolate turds! Continue reading

A Model Auditions.

27 Jan

eva_mendesSo…it’s been a while since I’ve gone on an audition. “OMG it’s pilot season! What’s wrong with her?!” My brain bitches to my heart. And my heart responds with a don’t-interrupt-me-while-I’m-eating-ice-cream-and-watching-Long-Island-Medium-and-feeling-sad-for-myself   “– I don’t know.”

I did finally get an audition through my agent, for the first time in forever. For a crappy play. In a town a hundred miles away. That is the actual distance. I’m pretty sure she hates me.

At least she didn’t ask me what I would do with my kids, if I got hired to do a show. “Um, leave ‘em at home with some water and a really big bowl of cheese puffs, obviously. It’s just a couple months.”

I declined the theater audition, but I did go on a self-submitted audition for an allergy medicine. I was just getting over a cold. I. Was. Ready.

I walked in to a really backed-up cattle call type situation. And all the cows looked like me. “Moo. Did you sign in?” “Moo. No. The casting assistant is still at lunch, Moo.” “Ok. Moo.” I held my head shot like a top secret document. I hate for other actors to see my dorky picture. Or my resume, on the back. It’s tough because there’s not a benign third side.

All us actresses read the casting call, so we all looked like “Fresh! On the go! Not-Mom-ish!” Some gals did that in UGGS, some did it in flats. And one girl did it in animal print peep-toe platform heels. Continue reading

SLEEPOVER with Dan and Lauren (who is me).

20 Jan

sleepoverposterSo… my friend Dan Magro and I put this fun little show together.

It’s called Sleepover with Dan & Lauren and it premieres TONITE. So. Cancel your normal Monday Funday plans (what? That is not a thing) and glue your smartphone to your eyeballs at 8pm Pennsylvania time and 5pm California time to watch us.

Without spoiling anything, and to enjoy this very first episode, you’ll need: A nice cocktail, your favorite PJ’s, a jar of Vaseline, some good rope, a tarp, like – a lot of Febreeze… wait. No. That’s for this other thing… Continue reading

LAX-mas.

8 Jan

lancaster-county-pennsylvaniaHey you’uns! (I dunno — trying a colloquial Pennsylvania-ism, not from my town…)

How are you guys? Knee deep in a juice cleanse? Day 8 of not smoking? Did anyone time travel when 2014 struck? The other day I was driving around LA and saw more than one vintage car and thought “Omg, what if I time traveled and didn’t know it!” The radio assured me that I was safe and sound in the 70s. It was on a classic rock station.

I gotta be honest. 2014 is off to a discombobulated start for me. But enough about you, let’s talk about what I did for Xmas! Continue reading

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