The Pleather Pants

6 Nov

I was thinking, YES. This is a happening. I got my boots, my LA-fake-Autumn sweater… my pleather H&M pants that fit like a glove. Like a glove that’s one size too small, on the hand of a man with sausage fingers. BUT. Still good.

In my mind I almost looked like:

shenae-grimes-leather-pantsOr even a little like:charlize-theron-leather-pants

And sorta:

bon-jovi-leather-pants

I pulled on the pants, buttoned the fly, and bent my knees to test for bendiness.

They made a little rubbery sound. — Ha. Continue reading

Rich-or-Treat.

27 Oct

YodaIt’s my super favorite time of year at my delivery job! Where the night settles in just as my shift is starting, and I’m blindly feeling for doorbells and buzzers on dark porches where people have forgotten to leave the lights on for “service workers”, like me. When dead bodies, bloody brides and elaborate pumpkin arrangements are common sights, and there’s a 50/50 chance that the spiders are real.

Make that an 80/20 split.

Even though LA boasts a ball-busting sweltering start to Autumn, I manage to find my pumpkin spice. The light is different as the sun crosses the sky. There are crunchy fallen leaves on some streets. And the evenings cool down to a brisk 65 degrees. Even the wind in the trees softly whispers, “WHERE MY UGGS AT. I WANNA WEAR ‘EM WITH MY SHORTS AND MY AZTEC CAFTAN. OMG I CAN’T FIND MY PHONE.”

Bliss. Continue reading

Call of Duty. Jury Duty.

30 Sep

me-juror-badge

This is the real story of one woman, one murder, really complicated words, a disappearing knife, and a crappy cappuccino.

To be honest, I had been postponing my jury duty for months already. “I don’t get paid for this shit…” I mumbled to myself as I punched in the numbers to check in for my summons. It was my last day of calling-in, so I figured I was pretty much home free —- “YOU ARE REQUIRED TO REPORT ON FRIDAY AT 7:45AM.” I had to repeat the message from the robot on the phone. Ugh, crap.

OK, ok. I could do *one* day, downtown at the courthouse. I mean my work doesn’t pay me to be there, but — I work at night, the court stuff’s during the day, civic duty, might be a kinda cool, blah blah blah. Don’t be a weenie.

Besides. I could make it a fun experiment. Hey-oh! What a fun little day-in-the-life-of-a-reluctant-juror this will be! And then I’ll get back to my regular life! …Right?

Right???!

Continue reading

Blue Buffalo Shoot, NYC.

21 Aug

blue-buffalo-shoot-nyc-skyline

It was Melissa Fumero’s bday the other day, aka Detective Amy Santiago on “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” – one of the funniest shows on TV right now. She posted a pic of her on-set celebrations with bday-bud Kyra Sedgwick, a cake, and a whole mess of cast and crew, with the caption: “Workin at my dream job with my beloved castmates… cake for breakfast… been a pretty amazing birthday so far! #HowDidIGetHere” and I thought — man. I wanna be able to say that. (I know. My dream is an on-set birthday? With a cake I gotta share???!) It’s that *feeling* that I want. And the work. Together. Awesome if there’s also cake.

Then I thought — omg, duh. I had a tiny taste of this a couple weeks ago when I booked a commercial shoot in NYC. ENN WHYYYY CEEEE, BABY! It’s my favorite city in the world (– don’t tell LA, that betch get jellies). I was SO excited to jet-set across the country, and work as an ACTOR.

My plane landed at JFK and some kid behind me exclaimed “I can see the Empire State Building!” (Pause) “And the Golden Gate Bridge!”

No one corrected him.  Continue reading

Go To Bed.

14 Jul

sleepover-wrap-party-01You’s guys. My bezzzz friend Dan Magro and I FINISHED 18 bonafide episodes of “Sleepover With Dan + Lauren”! And to celebrate — in lieu of having everyone over for the world’s sweatiest, most awkwardest actual sleepover — we threw a good ole fashioned party.

That’s us up top, kinda looking like DJs, kinda looking like we had a personal relationship with the bartender…(Looks like water, tastes like alcoholic Christmas trees!)sleepover-wrap-party-10We gussied ourselves up (I am definitely wearing that same dress I always wear: Mischa Barton’s hand-me-down Herve Leger, which I’ll wear until it becomes one sad little dangling bandage…) and hit Gold Coast in West Hollywood. With a million of our closest friends and fans (wink!). We felt totally honored that everyone came out to party with us (and watch the Season 1 finale!) It was — a total blast. Continue reading

It’s A Sign.

30 Jun

hollywood-sign-me-turnham-01

I am having some JGSAD today. (June Gloom Seasonal Affective Disorder). June Gloom is this weird cloud layer (It’s not SMOG – I checked) that hangs around and makes the mornings dark and kinda chilly. I’m drinking iced cold brew coffee, wearing a sweater and shorts, squinting even though there is no sunshiny sun — WHAT IS REAL ANYMORE. But we Angelenos willingly accept this month-long punishment for having the best weather in the continental U.S. the rest of the year.

I mean, come on. My skin has become the thinnest layer of an onion, tolerating nothing but 75 degrees and mostly sunny. Thanks, Los Angeles!

That’s what THREE YEARS IN LA will do to ya. Turn you into a weenie who’s disturbed by clouds. I’ve actually been here 3 1/2 years and to celebrate, my old roomie Chris Turnham and I made our first pilgrimage to the Hollywood Sign! High atop the hills of mansions and celebrities, there are the letters: H-O-L-L-Y-W — ok, you can spell. Continue reading

Movania’s In The Bag.

23 Jun

movania-meany-mays-bag-02So I was doing this acting thing with this kid Art Parkinson (and when I say “thing” I mean awesome upcoming project and when I say “kid”, I mean successful actor you’ve seen on, oh I dunno – Game of Thrones ‘n stuff…). He has so much talent packed in that little kid body of his. I learned so much from him. Mostly, what the cool kids in Ireland are saying these days… which I can’t tell you or I’ll have to kill you. Let’s just say you’ll need some “major skillage” if you wanna hang ten in Ireland. Is there surfing? I dunno. There is definitely whiskey. Continue reading

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