I Am Avocado Plant.

5 Oct

I hate talking about this. Because I feel like someone will be like, “This is how a loser sounds, loser!” But. I’m going for it anyway.

meangirls

This is a case for slow-motion.

For waiting. For the right timing. For baby steps.

( … F*** baby steps!!) I know. I’m with you. My preferred timing on things is: 1. Initial Attempt, 2. WILD SUCCESS.

But it doesn’t usually work like that. Except for people like this dude I met at an audition once who bro’d out on me like, “Pshyeah… my roommate was all, dude you should be an actor, and I was like, nah man, but then I went to this random casting, and booked this Budweiser thing, and made like $50,000!”

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Continue reading →

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Feet Fit For Radio.

29 Feb

I don’t like to check my email right when I wake up, so I usually just check my email right when I wake up.

I found a message calling me in for a commercial audition! Yay! “MUST HAVE NICE FEET / NO FOOT MODELS / WEAR SOMETHING THAT SHOWS ARMS AND LEGS / BAREFOOT IN AUDITION”.

*#$%&*#$(%^@#&$@#*!!!!!!!!!

I blinked my eyes to confirm — ugh, fuck. FEET.

Clammy with a fresh terror sweat, I clocked my Sasquatch snaggle toes.

pyzbkzjncczgw Continue reading →

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The Camembert.

5 Feb

This story starts out alright.

Ervin and I were sipping almond milk lattes at Intelligentsia in Silverlake. I’m always torn between — wait. What am I saying. I’m never torn. All I do is 1. Try not to chug my drink, and 2. Make some sort of conversation while I’m 3. ACTUALLY watching people and wondering about their lives…

Me: “So what was that story about that thing?”

Ervin: “OK, so –”

Me: “I love that girl’s style. I would wear that. What–? OK. Yes. SO. Go ahead, you were saying…”

Ervin: “So –”

Me: “OMG! Shhh. Wait. So… that’s the guy from ‘Casual’…”

Ervin: “Who?”

Me: “That guy!” Continue reading →

Couples Yoga.

18 Aug

thisislalaland-couplesyoga-03I’m a decent person. I’m into fitness and health (shh, fridge pizza, shhhhh). I like when people are happy and in love…

But y’know… what really gets me jazzed about livin’… COUPLES ACRO YOGA. Mmmmmmm…. fuckin love it. Continue reading →

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Bairs / Los Angeles

1 May

dad-mom-point-dumeHey hey!! I know it’s been a while, but I’m back, betches ;)

And to the one person still reading this blog, this one goes out to YOU! (Mom, if it’s you, pretend you’re someone else, in the comments…)

So, my parents just visited me in Los Angeles, and if it’s not cool to wanna hang out with your parents, then I don’t wanna be right. Or cool. Whatever. I loved hanging out with them and doing ALL THE THINGS. Continue reading →

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The Pleather Pants

6 Nov

I was thinking, YES. This is a happening. I got my boots, my LA-fake-Autumn sweater… my pleather H&M pants that fit like a glove. Like a glove that’s one size too small, on the hand of a man with sausage fingers. BUT. Still good.

In my mind I almost looked like:

shenae-grimes-leather-pantsOr even a little like:charlize-theron-leather-pants

And sorta:

bon-jovi-leather-pants

I pulled on the pants, buttoned the fly, and bent my knees to test for bendiness.

They made a little rubbery sound. — Ha. Continue reading →

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Rich-or-Treat.

27 Oct

YodaIt’s my super favorite time of year at my delivery job! Where the night settles in just as my shift is starting, and I’m blindly feeling for doorbells and buzzers on dark porches where people have forgotten to leave the lights on for “service workers”, like me. When dead bodies, bloody brides and elaborate pumpkin arrangements are common sights, and there’s a 50/50 chance that the spiders are real.

Make that an 80/20 split.

Even though LA boasts a ball-busting sweltering start to Autumn, I manage to find my pumpkin spice. The light is different as the sun crosses the sky. There are crunchy fallen leaves on some streets. And the evenings cool down to a brisk 65 degrees. Even the wind in the trees softly whispers, “WHERE MY UGGS AT. I WANNA WEAR ‘EM WITH MY SHORTS AND MY AZTEC CAFTAN. OMG I CAN’T FIND MY PHONE.”

Bliss. Continue reading →

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