I was going to write a funny post about taking Syrus to the Emergency Clinic yesterday. Take some photos, write from his perspective, maybe. But within an hour of being there, I was burying my face in his, kissing him and telling him I love him and that I was sorry. The fact was that he was suddenly very ill with a blockage in his bladder that would cost at least $2500 to remedy. And even that didn’t guarantee we wouldn’t be in the same situation in a few days. I had to make a quick decision on the spot, in the very sterile, clinic exam room. By myself. It broke my heart. They put him on pain meds and asked if I wanted to say goodbye. He and I spent the most bittersweet time alone together as he lay on a blanket, his eyes sleepy from some really awesome pain killers. I used 500 Kleenex as I stroked his head and told him that it would all be ok. And that he’d feel better soon. And be in a healthy body free of this and his asthma and he’d get all the catnip and butt scratching he could ask for. I hope all that is true. I hope he could understand me. I hope that he knew how much I loved him. He was born in Florida, and lived with me in NYC, Connecticut, then drove across the country with me to Portland OR, then flew down to LA with me. He’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had. 10 years, since he was the size of a little black rat that could fit in my hand. He was with me through breakups, layoffs, bad hair cuts and the many times I accidentally stepped on his tail. He was super chill, serious, surprisingly silly, bitey in the mornings, a huge fan of string, loving and cuddly. He once killed a bird for me. I don’t know how something that flies could get caught by something that doesn’t, but it happened. I thanked him for the gift and gently made him promise not to do it again. I am not a cat person. Then again, he wasn’t altogether cat like. He had a presence about him that seemed confident and Sphinx-like. And a way of curling up right next to my heart. There had better be a special place in the afterlife for him. Because there’s a Cat Lady down here who knows he deserves it.