Archive | April, 2011

I fell off the Blagon.

28 Apr

(Blog + wagon = Blagon). Wait, wha — WHAT happened this week!?! I promise to make it up to you next week with fun things like:

– The cheapest Jell-O salad in LA!

– How to feel like a mountain climber without doing that!

– Seagulls are our friends!

– Why libraries smell like pee and reading!

– What the #$&!’s a SOYRRITO!

And etc!

XOXO! Have the best weekend yet!

I love you, espresso. And scary Easter Bunny.

22 Apr

I busted out my sturdy little Bialetti today! With our sweet LA gas prices (420 pennies/gallon!), I can’t quite bring myself to spend the same on a latte every day. Here’s a picture of Bialetti:

“Buonjorno! We’re #1!” he cheers, under his Italy stache. (Or maybe he’s saying “Look up there.” Or “Fascism: It’s-a good!”) Regardless, I love him because he makes me feel like I’m camping inside my apartment. He sits on the stovetop and with a little water and some ground up coffee beans, he percolates some fine espresso! Add a few drops of agave nectar and maybe one of my roommate’s fresh baked cookies, and I’m ready to face the world – eyeballs first!

And speaking of eyeballs, yikes, Cataracts Easter Bunny! I don’t know who’s terrorizing whom in this picture, but I love it.

Image by funnyordie

Tina Fey’s “Bossypants” tour!

21 Apr

I like this book cover because Tina and I have matching manhands and hairy arms. (And the same taste in men’s watches!)

We are ALSO both from eastern PA! And we’re also both brunettes and we are also both ladies. It’s like conjoined twins who’ve been separated at birth and are meeting for the first time on Oprah.

Get this book. It will entertain your socks off and then fold them and put them back in your drawer. We all know what a brilliant writer Tina is. Even the dust jacket is genius. She proves yet again, that a brunette gal from PA can really make something of its life.

I spent the evening at the Nokia Theatre with L.A. Live, watching Tina in conversation with Steve Martin. Two very funny people made it one of the best nights in LA yet. I had my book signed after the show. One of a huge crowd of Tina fans. I think I said something like “Hi Tina! I’m from Pennsylvania too!” She said “Oh cool!”. She was clearly tired. And also pregnant. And also beautiful in person.

This shows that Tina Fey’s book is for everyone, anytime, anywhere. (A toilette at the Nokia.)

Just catching up on some reading! I’m kidding. I read the whole thing before I got there. But I was definitely shown up by plenty o nerd who told me how they read it in one sitting, the day that it came out. (Does anyone else think the Nokia lobby looks like an airport? Look at that carpet.)

Hike it: Fryman Canyon

20 Apr

I hiked Fryman Canyon with my friend Jesse. He regaled me with stories of interesting trail history and wildlife recognition as I honed my own LA hiking skills: “Is that Steve Martin?!!” As the real Steve Martin walked by with his dog. We strode along, talking about the difference between gophers and groundhogs… “WAIT. Is that Sarah Gilbert?” She passed us too.

Fryman is kinda like Runyon, but with what felt like more trees and less people trying to act like “famous celebrities hiking”. With their tiny dogs and big coffees and five finger shoes. There were a few butt busting bits (see: Upper Fryman), but mostly, it’s beautiful vistas, lizard/rabbit/gopher spotting and a great walk alone or with friends.

I was trying to be all Planet Earth and take a photo of the split second that the gopher popped out of its hole, but this dog got all up in my scene. And then he tried to bite me. And then I said to myself, “Oh, you little rascal – you didn’t mean to do tha—” and he tried to bite me again. His owner, in her baggy denim culottes and her well-loved oversized T (points for just bein yourself, lady!), was going to let her dog maul me on the trail. She then proceeded to tell Jesse and I a story about how she used to see Steve Martin all the time on that trail and once she said “Give us a line from your movies, Steve!” He, likely kindly, said he couldn’t think of one at the moment. So then she proudly quoted him a line that she remembered.

Sigh.

Denim Culottes, you are Lady King of your world. Reign supreme. Just don’t be annoying.

A horse in pj’s. And other things from Monday.

19 Apr

I saw this horse the other day in Calabassas. (*He looks like he’s wearing his bedtime jammies.)

OK OK I know I missed Monday’s post! I was slackin’ off, hanging out at Pop Sound with three celebrity actors and one famous animation studio, recording voiceovers for their next feature film! I can’t say what it is yet, but it’s gonna be awesome. I was the reader in the session, which means I read any extra lines that weren’t covered by the actors being recorded in the scene.

My job: To be in a tiny, soundproof room with famous funny people. To eat the yummy catered lunch (and maybe a box of Junior Mints). And to be myself and have fun. A wretched day by all accounts. (Ha).

By 6pm,

– I had earned $20 in cash on a dare that involved almost grabbing an actors’ ass (thanks to one of the other actors – who was totally good on his word!)

– I had learned that you shouldn’t eat a snack that has a greater number of sodium mg’s than the number of calories. And that the amount of sodium our bodies need to survive, can be found in 3 stalks of celery per day.*

– I had discovered (yet again), that eating a whole box of Junior Mints will make my throat burn. — With the minty fire of fresh breath and plastic chocolate! Mmmm.

*This statement has not been evaluated by anyone that I know of.

“RuPaul’s Drag Race” explains it all.

15 Apr

Hi, my name is Lauren and I watch RuPaul’s Drag Race. If you haven’t seen it, it’s essentially the televised competition for America’s Next Top Drag Queen. Before you get all judgypants, know that I also watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. RDR has the same number of bottle-blondes and drag queens, but a whole lot more heart. Ru cares about her competitors and seems genuinely entertained by the whole thing. Top notch guilty pleasure!

I have shed a tear, watching RDR. (Look out, I’m confessing everything today!) There are just some moments that are surprisingly compelling in that mess of feathers and sequins. But there is one episode of RDR, where Rita Rudner was giving stand-up comedy advice to one of the girls, Carmen. Carmen had written nothing for her act and was relying on her stunning beauty to carry her show.

Rita: “Did you always feel out of place?”

Carmen: “Never.”

Rita: “Well you should. Because that’s gonna be funny. There’s nothing funny about a good-looking person doing well, who’s confident.

Somehow in that moment, my life made just a teeny bit more sense to me. Not only am I destined to be a stand-up drag queen (sigh – I wish), the foibles and mistakes of living seem just a little bit more meaningful. And fun. Thank you Rita and Ru.

Image by bgg

Sister-Sister Mini Staycation

14 Apr

My sister came to visit me! I will call her “Butter” because that’s what I wanted to name her when she was born. I was 3 years old then. I still think it’s a good name.

We ate too much, we did too much, we talked to each other in the mirror (it’s our best trait as sisters – learned from hundreds of hours spent hairspraying our bangs in junior high). Except THIS visit, there was a third wheel! Someone who shall remain nameless… because they don’t have a name yet. My future NIECEPHEW! Butter will be having Baby Butter Junior in September. (Yay!)

We decide to take a walk up to the Griffith Park Observatory, from my apartment. Complete with secret hillside staircases, mansions and bees.

It’s a beautiful day and at this point we truly believe that every day(!) we will be healthy and hiking! (Well, 1 outta 3 ain’t bad).

Observe…

We are Masters of Picture Taking Illusion!! She is totally not really wearing sunglasses – I Photoshopped them in.

And then an afternoon, touring the canals of Venice of America!

And the boardwalk of Venice of America!

And (because I made her stand in line for an hour in what turned into a really chilly evening), The Grilled Cheese Truck of Venice of America!

Butter spotted Molly Ringwald nearby and we shopped and walked and also nibbled a few other “Truck Tapas” you should try! 1. Churro Tots 2. Cumin Fries (both at Border Grill Truck) 3. Cheeseburger Dumplings 4. Steamed BBQ Pork Buns (both at the Dim Sum Truck). We wanted to shove the grilled cheese and tots into our armpits to keep us warm. I should say that we did not do that.

We also spent a little time on Rodeo Drive. It was late and shops were closing (it’s probably better that way), so our main focus was people-watching ‘n’ window-shopping. Trying to spot celebrities (apparently everyone drives a Bentley these days…) and obsessing over the mannequins (me). I couldn’t stop taking pictures of them.

Butter, modeling the hottest mannequin hand pose this season, as seen on Agent Provocateur’s lady on the left. The chick in pink is all “Who’s the new bitch.”

Then it called to me. I could barely hear it as dusk was settling… but softly, from across the way “Laaaaaurennnnnnn…..” –What? (Gasp!)

Holy Badgley Mischka! I immediately swore the pennies in my pockets would go DIRECTLY toward the purchase of this ruffled number. (So far, I have 3¢ in the fund). The dress and I whispered briefly through the glass (as shop associates looked over their bifocals at me) and we promised each other that if we’re both not married in 20 years, we’ll try something and see how it goes.

It was Beverly Hills’ bedtime, so we hit up The Grove for a little nightcap and a stroll around the shops. And who did we run into??

JT! Lemme just say that my sister knows how to work a pose. I’m all “Ehhh? Wanna go to Crate&Barrel with me?”

Justin. I say this as your friend: You need a little bronzer.

Butter had to go back to Buttertown, USA. But I adore her visits. We were walking along Rodeo and this was our conversation.

Me: “I love it when you’re here and we can just hang out. It’s like –”

Her: “– I know what you’re thinking?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Hearts!

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