Slow It Down.

I took a stress quiz online. And, like a friend who comes out to you years after you’ve known they were gay, my results were the obvious “Highly stressed.” I acted surprised. Me? What, no! OK yeah.


I did some quick research. “Stress + inflammation + body + relax + f*** me + rrrrrg” ………and Google.

What I found was a Sattvic morning routine. I don’t claim to know anything about Sattvic-ery or Ayurveda or eastern medicine as a whole, but I thought – what the balls. It can’t hurt to try to cool and slow myself down, instead of waking up grinding my teeth like I’ve been doing.

Here is what I WISH were my morning routine:
– Sleep til 2pm.
– Wake up, do not shower, shuffle to House of Pies in not-sexy jammies and hair like you slept on your face.
– Eat slice of strawberry pie, reminiscent of Pennsylvania Amish baked goods. Eat body weight in pie, or nearest equivalent.
– Pass out at restaurant due to mind numbing sugar rush/crash.
– Be carried back to bed by Dave Grohl.
– Sleep until next afternoon.
– Repeat.

And here is A SATTVIC MORNING *for beginners:
– Wake up with the sun (or in time to do all this without rushing).
– Wash your face, brush your teeth, use your neti-pot (It’s my first time using mine! It’s really easy, but it does give you the light sensation of having water up your nose. Because you do. It’s kinda fun though. Fun weird).
– Take a morning poo. Or “evacuate your bowels” as the internet says.
– Drink a tall glass of hot water.
– Give yourself a little rub-down with pure, organic coconut oil (for its cooling properties. Also, it smells like vacation.)
– Do a few rounds of sun salutations.
– Meditate/pray/affirm yourself.

And you are ready! I’ve been doing it 2 days. The first day, was one of the worst in recent memory. But even if I did end up crying as I fumbled through some affirmations and felt a few suffocating pangs of sheer desperation and panic, I am hopeful that there will be some kind of positive result.

If not today, then maybe tomorrow. When I’m “evacuating” my things…




Talk to me, Baby.

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