Kelly’s BDay.

29 Jul

Tomorrow is my sister Kelly’s birthday. July 30. She would have been 26. It almost feels like writing “she would have been 910!”  It’s an obscenely large number somehow, for someone who will always be 8 years old.

She had the only head of gleaming blonde (not brown) hair in the family. Blue eyes she shared with my Mom. An easy, gutsy laugh. (Here she is getting love-bites by the neighbor’s fluffy little dog.)

When she was 6, she had brain cancer. Two years of chemoradiasurgertorture we’ll call it and one tumor returned as four. She died shortly after her 8th birthday.

I was in high school. I think it was about a week, before most of my friends were back to soccer practice, crushing out on boys, complaining about the homework for English class. I remember my Health teacher releasing me to Study Hall during the “Death and Dying” portion of the curriculum. I was proud of myself for taking the leave because I could use the free time, not because I needed to be protected. After all, what new information was there to learn. I had been on a Death and Dying field trip. Want me to teach this s***?

But the thing with grieving is that it isn’t over. Ever. Even after you’ve passed through your allotted up-to-2-weeks of public sadness. After that point, even the most well-meaning people are ready to get back to not worrying about you so much. You’re ok, right? You’re so strong. You have your faith. She’s in a better…

But that’s the point when you realize what happened. It sinks into your marrow. Your heart takes on a different, permanent shape. Fast forward to 18 years later and things still catch you off guard. While the hurt isn’t as jagged, it can still be crushingly powerful.

I have talked with my Mom and a few friends about how a person should be allowed “THE YEAR OF NUTTINESS”. A full YEAR of unabashed grieving, following a death. Acting friggin looneytoons and being allowed the space to do it. Don’t wanna shower for a month? OK! Don’t feel like working? BLESSINGS! Wanna punch that stranger on the bus because her giant shopping tote is poking into your leg? SHE’LL UNDERSTAND!

While I still very much wish I had had that year (and that maybe Kelly would have died at a more convenient time… like, when she was 910), I can now find a few bits of humor in it. Here’s an example:

“How many siblings do you have?”

“…Two.” (I always waffle here. There are many factors that come into play (How well do I know you/Do you really care/Is this going to get weird), but I generally try to mention sisters, plural. Because there are two.)

“Cool. Where do they live?”

“Baltimore. And…Heaven.” (This entertains me because I know how ridiculous it sounds.)

“…”

“It’s ok. Baltimore’s actually really nice if you spend some time there…”

So, THIS YEAR, I wanna do something for Kelly’s birthday. I am still brainstorming about this. I want it to be meaningful to me. I also want to connect with her somehow. Non-Ouija-ish-y.

Here’s a picture of she and I, when she came with my parents to pick me up from camp. I cried my eyes out when I saw her. I missed her so much (I was only gone for a week. Ugh, sensitive, shy kid I was). I look at it now, remembering how it felt to hold her like that. And how it felt to have her small hands on my face. And it still makes me cry…

Happy BDay Kelly. I miss you every day.

XX,

L

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17 Responses to “Kelly’s BDay.”

  1. risingontheroad July 29, 2011 at 5:11 AM #

    Thanks for sharing Kelly. I love the photo with the little dog. I for one would definitely sign up to the year of nuttiness..

    • Lauren August 3, 2011 at 1:34 AM #

      Thank you so much for reading my blog. YOU have quite a beautiful thing going on yours as well. Thank you for sharing your Dad. And his imprint on your life. The Nuttiness is yours when you need it…

  2. Lauren July 29, 2011 at 7:12 AM #

    What a beautiful tribute, L. As I was reading your words, I flashed back to a day when I was with Kelly in the church’s nursery, and she was twirling in the middle of the room — arms stretched out wide — twirling in big, dizzy, giggly circles. I can’t remember the context, or why we were even in the nursery to begin with, but I remember her twirling like it was yesterday. I will always remember her that way.

    Happy birthday, Kelly.

    • Lauren August 3, 2011 at 1:34 AM #

      Lauren, I love this.

  3. Erin McGarry July 29, 2011 at 7:42 AM #

    Lauren, somehow you just get me–not like you understand me, like your words always just punch straight through to my heart. These two pictures of Kelly are just unreal. They are so incredibly beautiful. YOU are so incredibly beautiful. Thank you for writing, thank you for being so raw and funny and lovely. I want to read your book, sniffle, sniffle.

    • Lauren August 3, 2011 at 1:36 AM #

      I think we get each other. SO glad for that. It feels like lucky magic, but really we align as people somehow. Miss you lots. And thank you for reading all this… XO

  4. Patricia Doktor July 29, 2011 at 10:27 AM #

    Dear Lauren, I didn’t know Kelly, but she now lives on in my heart because of your beautiful tribute. Thank you for sharing your life with us fortunate people who know you.

    • Lauren August 3, 2011 at 1:38 AM #

      Trish – I know you know how this kind of thing feels. And how deeply pain sits. And how ridiculous refreshing irreverence is! Thank you for sharing LA and everything with me.

  5. Pamela Haskin July 29, 2011 at 4:06 PM #

    My sister, Kelly, lives in Heaven too. She’s been there a long time but sometimes it feels like she moved yesterday. I know your Kelly through your mom. I met her a writer’s conference years ago and we shared our Kellys. The pain, as I am sure you know, never goes away. You just get used to living with it. Your Kelly would be so proud of this beautiful tribute.

    • Lauren August 3, 2011 at 1:40 AM #

      Pamela, maybe somehow our Kelly’s have met. Maybe when people meet on Earth, something else happens in the afterlife. Thank you for reading this and for posting about your sister, too!

  6. Susie July 29, 2011 at 6:23 PM #

    Oh, I just want to hug you. Why do you have to live so far away, Lauren? Makes it real tough to hug you. Reading this made me cry like I did when I read ‘A Table For Two.’ To quote your mother’s book, if I may: ‘ “Don’t avoid going into the house of memories,” Pastor David had told me before Kelly died. The children seemed to understand this instinctively.’ I will be thinking of you tomorrow…

    • Lauren August 3, 2011 at 1:42 AM #

      Susie, thank you! I’m sure you have a changed perspective, being a new mother. Thank you for reading this and for your love – miles away! I can totally feel the hugs…

  7. Elizabeth Valle July 31, 2011 at 8:37 PM #

    Lauren, Thanks for your honest thoughts on this journey. I agree with you that it would be so much more healthy if we made a definite place/time for such loss. I think of Kelly often. The photos are heart rendering. . .

    • Lauren August 3, 2011 at 1:43 AM #

      Beth! Thank you for reading this and writing a note. It is lovely to hear from you! Such warm, comforting words. Thank you…

  8. Ben Fischler August 2, 2011 at 12:23 PM #

    I always dig your blog, but this is just, ugh, so fucking GOOD and so goddam heartbreaking at the same time. Thanks.

    • Lauren August 3, 2011 at 1:45 AM #

      Gasp. A boy! Haha. Ben, thank you for reading my blog. And for this reply. It’s truly lovely to hear your thoughts. And that it reached you. I love that…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A weekend to remember…kinda. « THIS IS LALA LAND - August 2, 2011

    […] meant to have a meaningful celebration for my sister. But instead, what happened was – not […]

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