Neat kid.

I want someone to do stuff with.

Sometimes I convince myself that dying alone would be ok, if it came down to it. All you need is a bunch of money, some responsible caretakers and a ukulele. I also need to learn how to play the ukulele. Or I think “How long would it take someone to find me in my apartment, should I perish unexpectedly and without a warning text.” I just multiply my post-workout ripeness, carry the 1, and assume someone would be on the case within the week. Good thing I no longer have a cat who would be eating me by then – even though he had food in his dish.

But I’m not actually afraid of dying alone. It’s the living alone that becomes burdensome. Thankfully, I have a really lame imagination (I’m being sarcastic), and don’t ever (all the time) picture myself single for life (What?! Yay!! — no), and instead am able (nope) to appreciate my brilliant qualities (German mustache, unexplained bloatedness, big teeth that make people think I look like celebrities with big teeth) as a person and believe in myself (believe in Oprah).

Maybe I should consider it lucky to have felt what “in love” feels like, in my life. But I want something better than my previous experience with that. Something that lasts.

During his tenure as a guidance counselor at the high school, my Dad would sometimes say “_______’s a neat kid”. It referred to some stand-out quality about a student. Something that differentiated them from the crowd. That made them unique. And acknowledged their spirit.

I wanna be a neat kid. Maybe then I’ll find another neat kid to hang out with.

And for tonite, I’m gonna pull back the sheets and spoon my laptop (it’s the big spoon) and fall asleep dreaming about drinking LA tap water. I don’t know what it means, but I can’t seem to stop dreaming about almost doing it.




6 thoughts on “Neat kid.

  1. Believe me-there is a neat boy kid out there right now wondering when the heck he’s going to find Lauren Bair! Think of this.… divide population of the planet in to roughly half. 3 billion males. I’m not good at math, but my point is-you have really great odds in there somewhere. LA is full of neat kids, including you so hang in there!

  2. You guys are so sweet and kind. Thank you for your words + support + for doing the math *for* me, Phoebe (because I quite suck at it!). I’ve got the “neatest” friends. XO

Leave a Reply to gapyeargirls Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s