Wanted: Cheap Lobotomy.

Hey guys,

I miss you! I am about to do a bunch of traveling all over the country and I realized I won’t have time to write until January. I just wanted to thank you all for reading and following and sharing and just generally making it really fun to write a blog that cool people read (I speak for all of us!).

These are pics from a giant coffee table photography book (I know my weaknesses) called Zeitgeist & Glamour – full up on photography from the 60s and 70s. I love the big doll-eyes, the kicky fashion and jet-set locations. But this top photo precisely portrays my current state of “I am so tired. What am I doing with my life. Ugh, I’m tired of doing stuff. What am I even doing…” If I had carpeting, I might never leave my apartment.

I’ve been hard at work on my two jobs (why didn’t anyone tell me how magical “retail” jobs are this time of year!! With a broken credit card machine and a line out the door, why wouldn’t I wanna gift wrap all your stocking stuffers for you, Customer!). My food delivery job has its own moments of grandeur. Like when I’m asked to “take the elevator on the left” in the hi-rise Beverly Hills condo, and I realize it’s the service elevator. For us servants, of course. Even though I’m trying to dress like I could go out in Bev Hills, and that I’m carrying $150 of upscale dinner. That time, because I was already feeling dumb about myself, I started crying a little bit until I remembered — oh RIGHT — there are people watching me on security cameras. Get it together!

Last night I woke up at 4am with a new friend, Acid Reflux. My thoughts were:

1. I’m dying.
2. I’m dying on the bathroom floor alone and no one will find me for days.
3. I might have overdone it on the Sriracha right before bed.

I am not a practical thinker immediately upon waking mid-sleep. I didn’t understand what was happening, so I took my comforter and a pillow into the bathroom and slept on the floor. It has always made me feel better to lie by the toilet, when I feel sick. Before my thoughts drifted to “when’s the last time I cleaned the bathroom?”, I spent some time feeling sorry for myself. Feeling lonely, frustrated, exhausted, sad. Not “blessed”, “grateful”, “happy”. More like homicidal. Depressed. At least quite blue.

Last year, my only New Years resolution was to stop swallowing gum. At that, I have failed spectacularly. But I want to set my sights on something different. My stomach might be filled with Wintermint Orbit, but I want this year to be a little bit more about feeling good about myself. Even if I’m not doing what I want to be doing with acting – yet. Even if I often feel alone. Even if I wish I had someone to hold my hand. Even if I feel like the odd man out in this town. Even if I don’t have a career/partner/bank account to show for it. Even if things are really f****** hard.

At least, my hair goes pretty good. Most of the time.

I hope that this next year brings us all every happiness. True joy. And unexpected pleasure.

Til next time…

(Well that looks a little more fun…!)



4 thoughts on “Wanted: Cheap Lobotomy.

  1. You are very funny and talented. I still maintain you should come back to Portland – we have “Grimm” “Portlandia” “Leverage (uh, not so much for me) and we are up and coming as a City in the acting world. With your humor, I can certainly see you with Armison in Portlandia.

    I have spent a few nights by the toilet, on the floor, with acid reflux. Especially in this holiday time of the year. I just had to euthanize my beautiful old dog, Lili, so this isn’t a great Christmas season. I couldn’t even sleep on the floor because it was gross. I hired a couple housecleaners to clean my house (even though I couldn’t afford it) so the next time I had to cry on the floor, I wouldn’t come up with dog hair stuck to my cheeks. Even if it was Lili’s.

    Hang in there. You are young and the world is in front of you.

  2. Until January funny lady. Even thought this year has been trying you have handled it with wit and grace and that is something to be proud of.

    Happy holidays and I hope that 2012 brings you all that you deserve!

  3. Next time in LA, when I visit with you, I’m gonna spend the whole time holding your hand :) I too have slept on the bathroom floor when feeling sick; the toilet has also been my sleeping couch but it leaves my hips complaining the next day.

    You are doing good work, dear. Never doubt that. You are gorgeous and talented and yes, you have AWESOME hair ;)

    Merry Christmas, dear, and I hope your new year is better and brighter than this one.

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