Puerto Rico: Day 3 (Cruisin’ Without Moving)

Back to Puerto Rico! It’s been a whirlwind bunch of posts, eh? LA, PR, PA, PR…?!

So the above picture is from DAY 3 of my Puerto Rican adventure with Ervin. We had just boarded the Carnival Victory for just a little visit, where one of Ervin’s friends works as a musician. Basically, a cruise ship is like a tiny Island Vegas (I’ve never actually cruised). We got a little buffet food and a cocktail. I texted this pic to my sister. She texted back.

Les: “You are so pretty!!! And you look happy.”

Me: “I think it’s my spray tan.”

Les: “You look radiant. Just saying…”

Then I texted the pic to my Mom, part of my unreliably daily travelogue.

Mom: “You look more like Les than usual.”

Me: “It’s the beer.”

Apparently, my Princesita sister had visited this baño already.

Maybe you’ve been on one of these massive things before, but it is like the hugest sea hotel ever. They are SO tall! After watching the Italian cruise ship documentary, I had a newfound appreciation for those survivors who literally jumped ship. You can break your legs/arms/pelvis/neck/face doing that. Some of those life boats are like projectile space pods that hurl you to safety, 8 floors below. When I started mentally noting the whereabouts of every muster station, I thought – wait a minute. We’re docked in like 2 feet of water. The worst that could happen is we catch aflame and die. Or we’re overrun by pirates from Royal Caribbean. Relax….!

Because everyone else was.
This festive lady was on board for maybe a minute, before she had chain-smoked her weight in cigs and was wearing her cocktail garnish.
And these bathing beauties were sunning themselves by a waterless pool that was under construction and with no actual sun in sight.

I’m not a natural-born cruiser. I watched as giant groups boarded the ship for their maiden voyage, with matching “Minnesota Adventure Club! It’s Always Party O’Clock!” T-shirts and queue up for the buffet. Another woman relaxed in a tropical blouse and capris, with a glass of something blue and her sock feet kicked up on the bar. Is this your living room, people??!

We spotted a really white skinny kid, on board with his parents and sisters, take his shirt off by the pool, revealing a necklace with a brass knuckles medallion. His trip was going to be. Epic.

Well. When in Rome…
 Ervin, his bro, Jose and I order another round. I try to blend in, even though I don’t have a matching T-shirt to anyone’s. Jose takes us on a tour of his teeeeeny bedroom, the dining areas, the disco, the casino, shopping. Everything you need. I was adamantly against cruising, until I laid eyes on the 24/7 ice cream machine. Suddenly, I could see myself cruising all the time.

Oh %@*# — my eyes! Is that the sun??? I watched it set as I sipped my Malibu and Coke on the deck…dreaming of one day hysterically flinging myself from the 8th floor  of this sinking cruise ship, as my life flashed before my eyes, the water coming toward me like high speed pavement, thanking my lucky stars that I constantly wore a life preserver and was drunk enough to land like a rubber chicken…



One thought on “Puerto Rico: Day 3 (Cruisin’ Without Moving)

  1. Pingback: Puerto Rico: Day 11 (Adios, Mi Otra Patria! *and a really small chihuahua.) « THIS IS LALA LAND

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