Anxious Brain.

I’m having one of those days where all the things are extra heavy, anxiety-ridden and difficult.  Just the same old. (x 1,000,000)

Lately my mind has been lingering a lot on “what have you got to show for yourself”. What specific things can I pinpoint as accomplishments and successes. Things that make me happy. That I’m proud of.

While my brain is downward spiraling, it’s hard to think of anything other than “nothing…” and lying on the floor of my bedroom until even my skeleton crushes under its own weight. Somehow I missed all the gold rings on the life-carousel. No kids, not married, no career success (and right now… very little acting at all), no house, no extra money, no — see? This list is coming out too easy.

I’m not even interested in half those things! At least not right now. What is wrong with me?? What is it that makes me feel like I have nothing going on. I was looking at some blogs today while doing freelance and it seemed like everyone had this adorable, perfect life happening — at least online. I can’t even pretend that’s happening on here.

Maybe I have to do one of those gratitude journals. I hate even writing the word “gratitude”. I know what it is and why it’s important to acknowledge it. It’s just one of those dirty LA words. Like “Piloxing” and “juice cleanse”. And “Fatburger”.

But, here goes. I am grateful for:

1. Ervin. (Somehow he always wants to spend time with me. And somehow we speak the same dying language of “Committed Relationship in Hollywood”.)

2. My health. (Knock on everything wooden.)

3. My family. (They haven’t forgotten me yet.)

4. My friends. (The ones who are far away and the ones who I can get stuck in traffic with.)

5. Day jobs enough to pay the bills. (Not making this list: the time it takes to do them.)

6. Clothes in my closet. (So I don’t have to buy the ones I want in the windows…)

7. The things I’m good at. You know who you are, talents.

8. Life. Today. There’s always a chance for something —



11 thoughts on “Anxious Brain.

  1. I’ve been feeling a lot like that lately and DO have a lot of things on your list! I sometimes wonder if that feeling ever goes away.

    A great breathing trick I use when I feel anxious: inhale 2/3 of lung capacity, hold your breath for 3 seconds, deep exhale for 3 seconds. Repeat until tranquilo.

    • Even the word “tranquilo” sounds relaxing when you say it. Maybe it will be my new mantra in tandem with the breathing exercise. Apparently, holding your breath while mind-racing has an adverse affect ;) XO

  2. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and thinking about how whenever anyone talks about you it is so whole-heartedly positive. Part of that is because you’re so honest about your struggles. You represent what we all want to be more of–beautiful, hilarious, loving, eloquent, talented, and yet you are so open with your dark side, too. it’s really nice of you. Thank you. And lots of love to you. I wish I got to hang out with you more.:)

    • Erin, you make me get all teary-eyed. But my insides are smiling. *I* think so highly of you in every way. It’s so lovely to hear these things. Thank you. Sigh — I needed it. Lots of love to you! If ever you are in LA, you know who to contact first. (–It’s me! Unless you have family here, then it’s them, THEN me.) XOXO

  3. I felt like this all last week! And then, I cried. Cried for two days and was super sad….then after that I woke up feeling like me again. Hope you can cry it out- I am here to wipe your tears if you need :)

    • Brittney! You’re supposed to tell me if you feel like that. At least we could cry together ;) YOU are amazing. I tell everyone as soon as I have some money to advise, I’m using your financial advising! Also, you’re pretty and just fun to hang out with. XO

  4. Hey–you forgot “And I make this one gal in Orange County laugh her ass off at least once a week!”
    Your humor, outlook and spirit ARE NOTICED and you have added to my life! Please accept a big hug from an online friend–I will be in LA next weekend and will wave–hopefully in your direction. Be staunch, darling. The wheel of fortune will turn. xx

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