Archive | July, 2012

Kelly.

30 Jul

It’s my sister Kelly’s birthday today. She would have been 27. I didn’t plan anything, to remember. Last year went super not how I wanted it to go. And since I had to work on freelance all day, I figured I’ll just see what happens.

Part of me wishes she would come find me. Appear as a whispery apparition. Kinda let me know she’s doing fine. And that she knows what’s going on in my life. Say something encouraging about the state of things. (This would also have to happen during daylight so I wouldn’t pass out or crap my pants.)

But I can only picture her 8 year old voice. And body. I can put hair on her chemo head, but my nostalgia won’t let me age her. Stick her in skinny jeans and an economy car, she could drive herself.  So. In light of that. I am hoping she’s somewhere amazing. And that she doesn’t miss me or want to tell me anything. Or want anything at all.

But I also hope she hasn’t forgotten me. We’re gonna have so much to catch up on.

XX,

L

That picture is a snapshot of her when she was two, copied on pieces of 8.5 x 11 printer paper, taped together and hung on my bedroom wall. She’s wearing an “Incredible Edible Egg” T-shirt that I won in a poster contest. That’s the neighbor’s dog, eating it.

Costco: Where the costs go! Down. Mostly.

26 Jul

If I was ever in a Costco before, I have no recollection of it. I can’t remember if I went along on the trip when my parents bought my sister a discount trampoline, on a friend’s club card, a million years ago. We never had our own card. We did not buy the “bulk”. We bought our toilet paper like people who like to buy toilet paper all the time. I come from a house full of girls. We should have gotten a government discount on TP. We didn’t ask for this anatomy!

I just got sidetracked. JUST like I was this weekend. At COSTCO in beautiful, sunny Burbank, California. Ervin’s roommate was going, so he and I tagged along like bargain hunting rabies raccoons. “There’s gas here?”, “There’s $1 hot dogs here?”, “There’s TV here?” And so on. I couldn’t help my annoyingness.This was my first sight. He stood there for about 12 days.

I saw racks of clothes, electronics, giant packages of sausages. I reached into a fridge to prove my point that Costco isn’t always cheaper by saying “OK WAIT. Why are these 4 sausages $12!”. I pulled out the four pack of sausages, which was connected to like 50 more sausages. A mega deal. Sausage-wise.

At first, I decided I had no use for Costco. I buy for ONE, not an extended Mexican family. What could I ever find here, that I would even lik—
There were samples of everything, that people waited in line for, like it was their job. You gimme that mini bagel with pizza sauce on it NOW! I gotta get in line for whatever they’re making with the Vitamix!

Speaking of. That was one of the items I was actually interested in. I want to blend whole fruits, vegetables, shoes and jewelry into smoothies…! But ’twas a demo of the latest Vitamix blender. And maybe it was $100 less than retail? It didn’t matter. It was still a billion bills out of my price range.

Have you tasted Mr. Yoshida’s delicious sauce? With his picture that I imagine Japanese executives agreeing to, only because they were distracted by a beautiful fan dancing Geisha. Or they were high.Maybe you haven’t heard of this (I’m talking to my Mom), but there’s something popular in LA clubs called “bottle service”. Where you pay $400, get one bottle of vodka brought to you by glittery girls in short shorts, and private VIP seating in a booth overlooking the dance floor.

Well, here I was doing my own bottle service: Don’t have to dress up or wear makeup or deodorant, but you get some seriously sexxxxy discounts on giant bottles of booze. To enjoy in the VIP section of your own home. (Which is the bathroom? I dunno.)After you’ve passed through aisles of diapers, baby food, video games, frozen taquitos, house supplies, regularly priced Vitamixes, toilet paper, vitamins and finally nut mixes, you will check out. Literally. We all have to check out sometime, right?

I picked out a purplish casket, with flower detail on the corners. There were only 4 to pick from and I thought the crosses were too morbid. I always thought I’d be burned in fiery crematory blaze someday, but now that I see what a deal these are, I’m rethinking my options. Some of the marketing in the booth says “non-threatening, affordable, non-emotional”. Everything I want my final moments to be.

“So, this is it.”

“I guess it is.”

“A bargain.”

“Yes.” … “Thank you.”

“Yes.”

“Welp? Close her up?”

“If you wish.”

“Lemme just adjust my pillow. I don’t want to get a neck crink. Ok. Goodbye.”

“Farewell, Customer.”

(Small hand wave.)

On my way out, though, I wanna enjoy myself. So, the next time I cruise the aisles of Burbank Costco, I’m picking up as many of these as will fit in my oversized cart:And maybe a nice big bottle of that fine Costco vodka.

Hey, you only live once.

XX,

L

Underdog Horse.

19 Jul

Have you guys seen this? It’s from the 2009 Kentucky Derby, but I just discovered it yesterday, thanks to this episode of This American Life.

Maybe you’re one of those big hat wearin’, Mint Julep swillin’, horse bettin’ types. And you’ve seen this clip before. I hadn’t (and I even like Mint Juleps).

This morning, I was having one of those days where things kick off with you, under a pile of bricks, at the base of an infinite mountain. You’re exhausted from the weeks before, and sweet baby Jesus it seems like there are only days like this ahead of you, too. I am drowning in freelance (which would be worth it, if they were any good at paying me), working my other part time job – which has taken some unfortunate turns and which I may have to ditch shortly, and… trying to eat healthy, stay on budget, not be a jerk girlfriend, go to the gym, and what? Oh – sleep. On occasion.

*Don’t tell anyone I’m writing this at 3am…! I like it here. It’s the only place I’m feeling very creative lately…

So, with all that said, you do know, sweet people, that I was crying my damn eyes out at the Derby horse! He was the LEAST favored to win. It was almost a joke that he was racing, and he started out in the back of the pack. WAY back. The announcers didn’t even know his name, when he surged ahead on the home stretch. The jockey was asked how he won with him. He said he rode him like a good horse. Like a winner.

And what did “Mine That Bird” friggin do? He won. In a monumental upset of ALL the other horses.

Inspiration. For an acting career in LA. Or whatever you’re up against today.

XX,

L

Comic Con 2012.

17 Jul

Look who I brought with me to Comic Con 2012! ERVIN. A jaunty 2 1/2 hour drive to San Diego and — Nerd Virg no more!

I go, mainly for the most amazing people watching on the planet. And then every year, I’m surprised by things that blow my mind. Like this Stinky Poo and TP by “Bored Inc.”. So good!

But, FASHION FIRST! SUPER hot this year: UNDER-BUTT. The dimply, pasty, estranged, socially-awkward cousin of “side boob”. Victims, let’s work this out together: Event-inspired rear decoration = no conceally butt cheeks. Unless you own a piece of paper that has the words “Hawaiian Tropic” and “Contract” on it, no one wants to see ’em. Not even if they are star-spangled. That means you, Wonder Women.
Our first stop was my roomie’s booth! Fleet Street Scandal with Chris Turnham and Kevin Dart. Here’s Kevin’s Yuki character… a sculpt that I seriously want as a collectible… (She’s chic and smart and espionage-y!)

Chris greets the fans. (Those tree stumps he designed were sellin like hot cakes!)Kevin does some bidness on his phone.Then we hit the floor. Forty two years ago, Comic Con was a bunch of nerds with boxes of comic books. Now, it’s a TON of nerds. But the show now includes feature film, TV, small press, crafts, personal art, toys AND everything you need for Dungeons & Dragons. Like, one billion difference styles of dice.

And also these! Prototype toys. RODDIMUS PRIDE and Gay Enterprise. Love iiiiit!

It’s so easy to be overwhelmed by the lack of common courtesy as you mill about the show. You will be smacked by posters, freakishly large backpacks attached to people who never leave their parents’ basements… your toes will be stepped on. Your face will be accidentally punched. And then you see this from across the room, and you stomp over everyone in order to get to it:WETA’s monster trolls from “The Hobbit”. HUGE and awesome, they’re like 3x as tall as a person. Bring some extra goats if you have them (they eat those, right?).

I totally bought one of these life size hipster Star Wars toys:
Smeagol butt-dialed me. I had to play the message for him:THEN, I found my robotron boyfriend, Optimus Prime. We had a thing last year, if you recall. It’s been hard since it’s a long distance relationship, but we reconnected immediately. Just like old times!

He loves the way I hug his shin.
The awkward thing though, was that my other boyfriend The Hulk, was watching us from like 20 feet away. He and I have been kinda on-again, off-again because of his temper… so, it’s just hard.Ervin and I met up with friends for dinner at The Lincoln Room and then headed back to our car in the parking structure. A long day, but super fun and geeky.

Full of french fries, we drove out of the parking lot, inserted our parking ticket, saw $50.00 on the screen (for 5 hours of parking), called the attendant who’s only “help” was making me insert my debit card into the machine, then cried a little bit on the way home about what a douche that guy was and who can afford parking like that and we need to be better about reading signs (like SUPER vigilant) and omg is this a f-ing traffic jam on the highway at 11pm WTF…etc, etc, etc.

XX,

L

Violet, The Gibbon That Makes Me Feel Like Gibbons Are Like Us But More Smarter.

13 Jul

Welcome to the jungle desert. Where the morning sun is a million degrees and dust is to you, like white is to rice.

This was the day we were saving the Gibbons from potential brush fire, at The Gibbon Conservation Center with UCB Corps! My friend Amy Berrian came along with me (she’s up for EVERY adventure!). We left on Saturday at 7am. Ervin: “So… there’s no fire coming?” Me: “No.” Ervin: “Ok. Why are you up so early?” Me: “…I just have to be there at 9.” Ervin: “With no fire?” Me: “I think we would burn up in the bushes if there were one right now.” We knocked out some serious raking and hoeing (and ho-iiing!)! Even though we were all sweating our asses off, everyone was in good spirits. Our 25-person group cleared a huge area of dry brush. It felt good, even though I got a blister after the first hour and then more blisters from trying to hold the rake differently. We also were lucky enough to take a tour of the Gibbon habitat. They really are STUPID cute. Even though our guide tried to instill the fear of God in us, about them. They have long arms that do things. Like steal your sunglasses. (Aww). Or hold you helpless against the cage so they can bite your face. (…) But the furry babies!! OMG. And the hooting and barking at each other? It made us all laugh. It’s SUPER loud and startling, even when you think you’ve heard monkeys before.

There were these rescued Moscow Circus Gibbons who did the cutest little coo and then kind of an E.T. voice as they locked eyes on you in this way that says “Now is the time that I pee on you.”THEN, we met Violet. This is she:(*The part of Violet will be played by not-Violet, because I didn’t have any good photos of her.)

Violet has a pole in her cage that she kind of swung around like a sad stripper on a bad night with no tips.

Her story is that she’s learning how to be a Gibbon again. She had some surgery and rehab and ended up falling in love with her vet. Howard. So much so, that she would injure herself on purpose in order to see Howard. This was all discovered when she was placed with her “mate” and instead of doin it, she farted in his face. Thus, insulting the mate, who then didn’t want anything to do with her. Since the mates are selected in a pretty rigorous process, it’s important she not do the farting thing.

Meanwhile, Violet couldn’t stop thinking about Howard. Night and day, she pined for him. She thought about cutting her wrists so he would come to her rescue. Bandage her. Hold her. Wipe her furry forehead and kiss her on the mouth. With tongue – the other throbbing member.

(…maybe I could write inter-species romance novels…)

ANYWAY, Violet kind of captured my heart. I felt like I could understand her! Life’s flippin complicated!

It’s ok, Girl. Things will get better. Someday you’ll forget all about Howard… and you and your new guy will have sex 5 times a day just for fun. (Gibbon fun fact! And in the monkey world, that sex drive is LOW.)

Then it was time to head back into LA. Amy and I both agreed the best thing ever would be a nap that afternoon. When I got back to my place, I took one… Dreaming of Violet and Howard getting married and living happily ever after.

…No.

XX,

L

My LA Registry.

11 Jul

Have you guys seen these things where couples will register for a vacation instead of crap from Target? And have you seen the fundraising pages for people who say they’re going to do some kind of service in the world – or are researching an acting role, but really they’re just wanting you to fund their 3-month trip to Paris? Guess why I’m not in Paris right now. I don’t have the money EITHER, buddy!

I think I get the honeymoon thing. If you’ve lived together for years (or are beyond college-age, when marrying), it’s likely you have enough panini makers for life.  It’s the vacay registry lists that can be kinda hokey. They itemize things like “$5 for champagne on the flight”. You’re left to trust that you’re gifting that exact thing, and not Raisinettes at a movie.

But the fundraising pages for blossoming “careers”, or things that aren’t event or project based? I don’t get those. It’s like asking to pay for a lifestyle. It totally gets under my skin because I’m in a financial position that is not unlike a fetal one. Couldn’t most of us use that cash??

SO.

I invented my “LA Registry”. Please know: While the following is based on a (my) true story, I am not asking for money*. This fetus has plenty for herself. Spend yours on you. I wrote this as a parody on the registries I’ve been invited to fund.

And didn’t. MY LA REGISTRY:
Hey everyone! I am so blessed to have made the leap to LA to live in this beautiful city, full of culture and inspiration! I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! I am creating and positively affecting people’s lives with my gifts. My spirit guide led me to quit all my jobs and I am now pursuing acting full time. I know that everything I need will be provided, because I am following my bliss! I’m so beautiful! My eyeballs are glowing because my brain is on fire!

Registry:
– Non-fat latte at Intelligentsia – where cool people get their coffee and read scripts and talk real loud about success! – $5/day
– Rent in cool neighborhood where I can walk to Intelligentsia – $1,000/month
– A full tank of gas – gotta be ready for those auditions! – $40/twice weekly
– Cut and organic color. I wanna look good. Physically and environmentally  – $300/twice yearly
– Movie ticket at Arclight . I have to know what’s out there, since I’m in the biz – $20 every time a new one comes out
– Acting class with super exclusive Used-To-Direct-80s-Sitcoms person – $400/month
– Gym membership. No pain no gain! – $60/month
– Lululemon workout pants. They make your booty look SO cute OMG – $90
– Mani/Pedi/Facial/Massage. My body is my income – $100/month
– Ooops I forgot to move my car on street cleaning day! – $70 every Friday
– It was yellow! Can’t I get out of this because I’m cute? I just moved here. I’m, um. Running a red light – $500 (just in case!)
– Utilities. Long showers relax me! $300/month
– Cocktails at Chateau Marmont, so it looks like I’m somebody — who can afford it – $100
– Pure-bred French Bulldog. Sometimes you just need a snuggle buddy and you want him to be show quality $2,500
– Badgley Mischka gown – in case of Oscar acceptance speech! Eeek and Yay! – $2,000
– Bodyguard. That way, “Iiiiiiiii-eeee-iiiii-wiilllll-alwaaaays-loove-youuuuuu” and not get raped – $900/day
– Red Epic-M camera. I have all these ideas and I just wanna stop talking about them and SHOOT the darn things! $58,000
– Nutella! A girl’s gotta have her vice! $3.99

Thanks, you guys! I am overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every one one of you! Won’t you join me on this journey so that I can continue to experience all that life has to offer and hone my craft of Thespianism?! Today is beautiful! F*** me, I am blessed! I’m so blessed, I’m s****** blessings all over the damn place!

*Items over $57,000 are available. Your kind donation is appreciated.

XX,

L

Image and last two images

We Like Fire.

9 Jul

Last year, I spent the fireworks portion of July 4th, lying in my bed feeling sorry for myself and my checking account. This year, I decided to do it in public! Actually, I was feelin pretty good. Thank you, bottle of wine that no one was sharing with me… USA!

Ervin, Jorg and I were invited to a house party in the eclectic Silverlake hills. I was in wedges (bad idea). I didn’t know there would be rock climbing in the back yard. And this a-ma-zing view of downtown and Dodger Stadium. Thanks to some a.m. holiday kickboxing, that beforementioned bottle of vino, and my inappropriate choice of shoe, I couldn’t use my legs so good.

But we were there to watch things blow up! A few illegal fireworks of our own, and the Stadium show in the distance… pyromaniacal livin is easy. Some party pics:
…I liked her 60s summer thing.Movies projected on the wall, a fire pit with S’mores fixins, oranges overhead. LA doesn’t let you go without getting a little magic on ya.Ervin and Jorg. Bored with once-a-year merriment? Play with your split ends.Ker-pow!

XX,

L

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