Have you guys seen these things where couples will register for a vacation instead of crap from Target? And have you seen the fundraising pages for people who say they’re going to do some kind of service in the world – or are researching an acting role, but really they’re just wanting you to fund their 3-month trip to Paris? Guess why I’m not in Paris right now. I don’t have the money EITHER, buddy!
I think I get the honeymoon thing. If you’ve lived together for years (or are beyond college-age, when marrying), it’s likely you have enough panini makers for life. It’s the vacay registry lists that can be kinda hokey. They itemize things like “$5 for champagne on the flight”. You’re left to trust that you’re gifting that exact thing, and not Raisinettes at a movie.
But the fundraising pages for blossoming “careers”, or things that aren’t event or project based? I don’t get those. It’s like asking to pay for a lifestyle. It totally gets under my skin because I’m in a financial position that is not unlike a fetal one. Couldn’t most of us use that cash??
I invented my “LA Registry”. Please know: While the following is based on a (my) true story, I am not asking for money*. This fetus has plenty for herself. Spend yours on you. I wrote this as a parody on the registries I’ve been invited to fund.
And didn’t. MY LA REGISTRY:
Hey everyone! I am so blessed to have made the leap to LA to live in this beautiful city, full of culture and inspiration! I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! I am creating and positively affecting people’s lives with my gifts. My spirit guide led me to quit all my jobs and I am now pursuing acting full time. I know that everything I need will be provided, because I am following my bliss! I’m so beautiful! My eyeballs are glowing because my brain is on fire!
– Non-fat latte at Intelligentsia – where cool people get their coffee and read scripts and talk real loud about success! – $5/day
– Rent in cool neighborhood where I can walk to Intelligentsia – $1,000/month
– A full tank of gas – gotta be ready for those auditions! – $40/twice weekly
– Cut and organic color. I wanna look good. Physically and environmentally – $300/twice yearly
– Movie ticket at Arclight . I have to know what’s out there, since I’m in the biz – $20 every time a new one comes out
– Acting class with super exclusive Used-To-Direct-80s-Sitcoms person – $400/month
– Gym membership. No pain no gain! – $60/month
– Lululemon workout pants. They make your booty look SO cute OMG – $90
– Mani/Pedi/Facial/Massage. My body is my income – $100/month
– Ooops I forgot to move my car on street cleaning day! – $70 every Friday
– It was yellow! Can’t I get out of this because I’m cute? I just moved here. I’m, um. Running a red light – $500 (just in case!)
– Utilities. Long showers relax me! $300/month
– Cocktails at Chateau Marmont, so it looks like I’m somebody — who can afford it – $100
– Pure-bred French Bulldog. Sometimes you just need a snuggle buddy and you want him to be show quality $2,500
– Badgley Mischka gown – in case of Oscar acceptance speech! Eeek and Yay! – $2,000
– Bodyguard. That way, “Iiiiiiiii-eeee-iiiii-wiilllll-alwaaaays-loove-youuuuuu” and not get raped – $900/day
– Red Epic-M camera. I have all these ideas and I just wanna stop talking about them and SHOOT the darn things! $58,000
– Nutella! A girl’s gotta have her vice! $3.99
Thanks, you guys! I am overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every one one of you! Won’t you join me on this journey so that I can continue to experience all that life has to offer and hone my craft of Thespianism?! Today is beautiful! F*** me, I am blessed! I’m so blessed, I’m s****** blessings all over the damn place!