My LA Registry.

11 Jul

Have you guys seen these things where couples will register for a vacation instead of crap from Target? And have you seen the fundraising pages for people who say they’re going to do some kind of service in the world – or are researching an acting role, but really they’re just wanting you to fund their 3-month trip to Paris? Guess why I’m not in Paris right now. I don’t have the money EITHER, buddy!

I think I get the honeymoon thing. If you’ve lived together for years (or are beyond college-age, when marrying), it’s likely you have enough panini makers for life.  It’s the vacay registry lists that can be kinda hokey. They itemize things like “$5 for champagne on the flight”. You’re left to trust that you’re gifting that exact thing, and not Raisinettes at a movie.

But the fundraising pages for blossoming “careers”, or things that aren’t event or project based? I don’t get those. It’s like asking to pay for a lifestyle. It totally gets under my skin because I’m in a financial position that is not unlike a fetal one. Couldn’t most of us use that cash??

SO.

I invented my “LA Registry”. Please know: While the following is based on a (my) true story, I am not asking for money*. This fetus has plenty for herself. Spend yours on you. I wrote this as a parody on the registries I’ve been invited to fund.

And didn’t. MY LA REGISTRY:
Hey everyone! I am so blessed to have made the leap to LA to live in this beautiful city, full of culture and inspiration! I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! I am creating and positively affecting people’s lives with my gifts. My spirit guide led me to quit all my jobs and I am now pursuing acting full time. I know that everything I need will be provided, because I am following my bliss! I’m so beautiful! My eyeballs are glowing because my brain is on fire!

Registry:
– Non-fat latte at Intelligentsia – where cool people get their coffee and read scripts and talk real loud about success! – $5/day
– Rent in cool neighborhood where I can walk to Intelligentsia – $1,000/month
– A full tank of gas – gotta be ready for those auditions! – $40/twice weekly
– Cut and organic color. I wanna look good. Physically and environmentally  – $300/twice yearly
– Movie ticket at Arclight . I have to know what’s out there, since I’m in the biz – $20 every time a new one comes out
– Acting class with super exclusive Used-To-Direct-80s-Sitcoms person – $400/month
– Gym membership. No pain no gain! – $60/month
– Lululemon workout pants. They make your booty look SO cute OMG – $90
– Mani/Pedi/Facial/Massage. My body is my income – $100/month
– Ooops I forgot to move my car on street cleaning day! – $70 every Friday
– It was yellow! Can’t I get out of this because I’m cute? I just moved here. I’m, um. Running a red light – $500 (just in case!)
– Utilities. Long showers relax me! $300/month
– Cocktails at Chateau Marmont, so it looks like I’m somebody — who can afford it – $100
– Pure-bred French Bulldog. Sometimes you just need a snuggle buddy and you want him to be show quality $2,500
– Badgley Mischka gown – in case of Oscar acceptance speech! Eeek and Yay! – $2,000
– Bodyguard. That way, “Iiiiiiiii-eeee-iiiii-wiilllll-alwaaaays-loove-youuuuuu” and not get raped – $900/day
– Red Epic-M camera. I have all these ideas and I just wanna stop talking about them and SHOOT the darn things! $58,000
– Nutella! A girl’s gotta have her vice! $3.99

Thanks, you guys! I am overwhelmed with gratitude for each and every one one of you! Won’t you join me on this journey so that I can continue to experience all that life has to offer and hone my craft of Thespianism?! Today is beautiful! F*** me, I am blessed! I’m so blessed, I’m s****** blessings all over the damn place!

*Items over $57,000 are available. Your kind donation is appreciated.

XX,

L

Image and last two images

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9 Responses to “My LA Registry.”

  1. mywanderingmnd July 11, 2012 at 6:14 AM #

    UGH! Agreed. Almost as bad as those letters you get with your Christmas cards…bragfests disguised as “newsletters”

    • Lauren Bair July 11, 2012 at 1:46 PM #

      Hahaha. I KNOW. The phrasing is “__(name)__ continues to _(activity, usually work)____”. We know already. We got the letter last year, and read it while on the toilet.

  2. Laura July 11, 2012 at 6:26 AM #

    I smell sarcasm – or maybe it’s cynicism – they kinda smell the same and I get confused [lol!]. This is new information for me, I had no idea this kind of stuff was going on in the world [I lead a very sheltered life]. Thank you for bringing it to the oily surface, I will keep my eyes open for more of this kind of chicanery. Somebody should totally fund that Frenchie for you though.

    • Lauren Bair July 11, 2012 at 1:45 PM #

      I agree! I miss my Frenchie I used to own, so I stuck that in there. Right now, I stalk the ones that live on my block. ALSO, I would totally link you to one of these real registries/fundraising pages, but I don’t want to single anyone out. But they are real. So, if you wanna go on vacation, just start one up ;) Free luxury!

  3. graceandivy July 11, 2012 at 7:41 AM #

    I Love u L! You make my mornings hilarious!!! Lol.

    • Lauren Bair July 11, 2012 at 1:42 PM #

      Hahaha I love you Ivy!! Thank you. I am making that strawberry cocktail you suggested, ps….. XO!

  4. tinykitchenstories July 12, 2012 at 1:28 PM #

    I think you shortchanged yourself on the rent near Intelligentsia? Honey, you’re going to need a bigger apartment than $1k a month can buy you if you’re going to be famous! And the cocktails at Chateau Marmont should be $100 per weekend, or even night. But I agree, we should all pass a hat to get you the Frenchie!

    • Lauren Bair July 12, 2012 at 1:31 PM #

      I know. I was light on the alcoholism ;) And allowing for the rent of a small closet in the garage of a Silverlake hipster. But SO worth it! $100 of cocktails at Chateau/per nite, sounds like success to me!

      • tinykitchenstories July 12, 2012 at 2:24 PM #

        Just don’t forget about us little people when you’re on the red carpet in your gown… ;)

Talk to me, Baby.

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