30 Jul

It’s my sister Kelly’s birthday today. She would have been 27. I didn’t plan anything, to remember. Last year went super not how I wanted it to go. And since I had to work on freelance all day, I figured I’ll just see what happens.

Part of me wishes she would come find me. Appear as a whispery apparition. Kinda let me know she’s doing fine. And that she knows what’s going on in my life. Say something encouraging about the state of things. (This would also have to happen during daylight so I wouldn’t pass out or crap my pants.)

But I can only picture her 8 year old voice. And body. I can put hair on her chemo head, but my nostalgia won’t let me age her. Stick her in skinny jeans and an economy car, she could drive herself.  So. In light of that. I am hoping she’s somewhere amazing. And that she doesn’t miss me or want to tell me anything. Or want anything at all.

But I also hope she hasn’t forgotten me. We’re gonna have so much to catch up on.



That picture is a snapshot of her when she was two, copied on pieces of 8.5 x 11 printer paper, taped together and hung on my bedroom wall. She’s wearing an “Incredible Edible Egg” T-shirt that I won in a poster contest. That’s the neighbor’s dog, eating it.


13 Responses to “Kelly.”

  1. Lisa July 30, 2012 at 7:23 PM #

    Immediatly brought me to tears. I never had the chance to meet sweet Kelly but through the years I have learned so much about her from your wonderful family. Happy birthday, Kelly. I hope someday I will get to meet you in Heaven.

    • Lauren Bair August 1, 2012 at 8:42 AM #

      Lisa, so sweet. Thanks for saying this! Xo

  2. mywanderingmnd July 31, 2012 at 4:42 AM #

    Reading and re-reading your mom’s book about Kelly, I was haunted by it and wondering how everyone else in the family handled it, then & now. It sound cliche, I know, but keeping them in mind always, talking about, and remember them, does truly keep them “alive” in a way. At least until you’re able to meet again…in person, and won’t that be sweet?

    • Lauren Bair August 1, 2012 at 8:44 AM #

      Yes! I totally agree. I always worried that I’d forget things about her… since I was a teenager when she died. Little did I know how long those memories stick around. I’m grateful for that. And for a family who also talks openly about stuff like this, too. XO

  3. tinykitchenstories July 31, 2012 at 8:50 AM #

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to cancer, but a child must have been devastating. I’m sure she’s somewhere nice, and keeping tabs on you. :)

    • Lauren Bair August 1, 2012 at 8:50 AM #

      F-ing cancer. I can’t even imagine losing my Mom – what a horrible thing to have to endure, J. And at the same time, it’s probably part of what has shaped you into an awesome person… Just a hunch… XO

      • tinykitchenstories August 1, 2012 at 10:12 AM #

        Yeah, cancer sucks. Also took one of my best friends at 30-fing-7. Like with Kelly, I’m sure the world is a worse place without him. And thank you so much for the sweet words :)

        • Lauren Bair August 3, 2012 at 12:26 PM #

          I know. I’m always glad to hear when people survive it, but I have so much experience with things going the other way. I guess, with our human understanding of the workings of the universe, all we can do is appreciate the time the people we love, are here. (LAME!) XO

          • tinykitchenstories August 6, 2012 at 10:06 AM #

            I totally agree. I’ve had more that haven’t survived than the other way around. And I really can’t understand why cancer doesn’t affect serial killers and rapists instead of nice people and children. I guess we’re not meant to? Again: LAME! xo

  4. Jen July 31, 2012 at 12:14 PM #

    I started following your blog regularly about this time last year… b/c I e-mailed Les after your “Kelly” posts last year… I love the way the ends of the sheets of paper are curling up… Kind of like it has some life in itself…

    • Lauren Bair August 1, 2012 at 8:51 AM #

      Jen! I love this. Thank you so much for reading this. And for your words. I’m so glad to hear them.

  5. mywanderingmnd August 6, 2012 at 12:16 PM #

    Can’t wait until you write a whole story about her…. maybe that would make you feel her presence more?

  6. Missy August 8, 2012 at 9:21 AM #

    Hey Lauren,
    Are you a Christian? I hope so! Then you’ll be reunited with her! Nice post!

Talk to me, Baby.

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