Archive | September, 2012

Go Go Juice.

17 Sep

Last nite, I drank me some moonshine. A sip in, and I was contemplating one-way tickets to live with my cousins in Virginia, while Googling “Mouth Harp + How” and thinking maybe the jugs or spoons might be easier. I was born in the wrong era. Why, I’d have been good as cast on Hee Haw.

The white lightning is delicious. But it was the capper on a day of sweet potato fries, toffee peanuts and ice cream sandwiches (from MILK. Sofa king good…). And this morning, I woke up with I-didn’t-drink-enough-water brain, and guts angrily sending S.O.S. signals.

What a perfect reason to indulge in a little Pressed Juicery. I was on my way to body combat class at the gym anyway. And I was feeling inspired, since our CSA box arrives tomorrow, packed with local veg. Good morning, Monday! Supes sorry about that weekend thing…I just started watching The New Normal and episode 2 features THE JUICE! This fridge would be my personal Heaven. As long as I had a second fridge full of well-organized cheese, exclusively.

If I’ve eaten macaroni and cheese for a week, I pick Greens 4, which has a cayenne bite and kick in the pants. But today, I wanted a gentler version, so I went with Greens 3. Calm, detox-y. Cuts through your previous transgressions.

Juicing goes way back to Bible times and different eyebrow styles. And I’m jumping on board long after it’s become supermodel-cool. But sometimes, it’s just what you need.

Like Hee Haw:


Ellen Barkin and the fridge, Hee Haw



Lunch With An ER Nurse.

13 Sep

It’s not blood. It’s beet juice. Or so they say. I think the beet taste can cover anything…

I had a lovely lunch with my friend Beth (Kickboxing instructor and ER Nurse) the other day, where I made her promise to tell me the worst stories about her hospital shifts. Code blue! Code red! Code-a-cola! First, we had to pick a restaurant. We decided to try Elderberries on Sunset Blvd, since it’s purple and there was no way in modern Hell that her husband was ever going in there with her.We made it past the shabby chic country chairs to the lightly air conditioned (it was so hot that day) inside where we were met with a friendly “Hi!” from the girl working and “I will re-MEMMMM-berrrrrr youuu-OOOOOO…dugga dahh-dahh-dahh….” flowing from the rafters. I admit. There was a time when I listened to 24/7 Sarah McLachlan. I even shared a goth nite with my friend Tina in art school, where we dressed in black, did our hair all spikey-pig-tail-y and wore the darkest red (we didn’t have black) lipstick and I played cello to “Building A Mystery” – That’s as goth as I ever went. NOW, when I hear Sarah McLachlan, all I can think about is THAT, and the Columbine shootings and commercials about kill-kill animal shelters.

A quick glance around the place and Beth was like, “Next it’s gonna be Dido.” Sure enough! The playlist went a little: Alanis, Shawn Colvin, Stevie Nicks, Sheryl Crow. You know the rest.

I ordered the raw fig, cashew cheese wrap, in collard green leaves. It was flavorful and delicious and left my belly feeling happy. Not bloated. Beth got an amazing salad and fresh pressed juice to share. We are lucky in LA to have our pick of healthy eating. This place is like the Lilith Fair-loving cousin of Cafe Gratitude. Mostly raw, mostly vegan, great grub. But with much less of the celebrity/fashion-show quotient of Cafe Gratitude. Also, I appreciated the menu listing names of food dishes (mine was called “Raw Fig Wrap”), versus “I AM FABULOUS” on Cafe Gratitude’s menu. Which is like a plate of heirloom tomatoes, fresh greens and free-range ego. Bon appétit, azhöle!

After a little catching up and noshing, we got down to it. TELL ME THE WORST OF YOUR ER STORIES! I’ve known Beth almost the entire time I’ve lived in LA (A whole almost 2 years). I met her in kickboxing class at 24 Hr Fitness. Since then, she got her nursing certification (or whatever it is that you pass, in order to dig around in people in the ER) and she became a super badass kickboxing instructor. So, I feel comfortable forcing her to tell me stories. These are my extremely scientific re-tellings of them.

1. BOOB JOB LADY. A woman got a boob job, left the ER, then a blood clot moved its way to her lung and she died the same day. Her husband, trying to CPR her back to life, chest-pressed her new boobs up to her shoulders. Just something to consider: a long happy life of pushup bras vs. laying to rest while wearing your own boobs as shoulder pads.

2. TAMPON QUEEN. Another woman came into the ER with basically a fever and no abdominal pain and then died. She had left her tampon in too long. I was surprised to learn that you can experience Toxic Shock Syndrome, even if you’ve been using tampons for years. Apparently the body initially rejects the foreign object, but then accepts it as its own by growing tissue around it, resulting in a long line of disgusting results.

3. GUY WHO DRANK A BEER AND THEN CIRCULAR SAWED HIS FINGERS OFF. I don’t think this one needs explanation.

4. MULTIPLE CASES OF PEOPLE DOING COKE AND SUFFERING STROKES AND HEART ATTACKS. The results are not always beautiful supermodel/rock star – worthy.

5. KID WHO DID SUBSTANCES AND DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE. Here’s the thing. If you do a bunch of unknown drugs, you’ll say a bunch of dangerous things, act like a demon-possessed idiot, and you’ll end up in restraints, with police escorts, an enormous cocktail of detox drugs, and possibly a trippy trip to the nuthouse if you don’t get it together. SO worth it, right?? Pass me the special brownies you made, stranger!

When I listen to these stories, I feel the sadness of the dying, the hilarity of some of the cases (and Beth’s matter of fact explanations), and the reality that we all need some help sometimes. Thankfully, there are people who can do it! Beth also has a lot of lovely stories about people thanking her for helping them. Or hitting on her (one old man asked for beer in his I.V.). And I’m sure she’s already earned her angel wings by the sheer amount of barf she has cleaned up.

So super glad I don’t have to do that.



Zink Commercial Shoot.

10 Sep

If you’ve been a reader of mine for the past (almost) two years, you’re well aware of how glamorous the world of acting really is. It’s ALL limos and personal chefs and your own clothing/perfume/makeup line. I mean, it hardly feels like work!

I would imagine. If you are a celebrity.

But hey-oh! Getting paid for a day shoot on a commercial is fine by me. I think I’ve made more money playing a Mom than my sister – who is a Mom – will ever make for Mom-ing. Or really – any Mom. I’m overly compensated for just sitting around texting, having my make-up and hair done, wardrobe steamed, snacking on coffee and fresh fruit, while “my children”, go to on-set studio school and their actual parents pick up the slack.

OK, wait. This is sounding kinda fabulous…This was for Zink (Yes, I’m under oath to never speak of the details, but suffice it to say, there WAS vegetarian lasagna on set). I woke up at 5am and hauled my butt across town to Brentwood, CA to shoot in the gorgeous home (partially pictured up top, with my fake husband Jeff) of our director. It was a full day shoot, with these two whipper snappers:“DO YOU KNOW KARATE?? (PUNCHING MY BUTT CHEEKS)”. That’s how I met 4-year-old Jack. I forgot how boy-kids interact. We proceeded to try to push each other in the pool until someone’s Dad said it wasn’t the best idea. Paris is two years older than Jack. It’s her first shoot and she’s a total pro already. She taught me the splits and how to say “Frappawappa-WHUTTT???” instead of Frappuccino which is way boring to say, now.

While I don’t think I’m in a place to be raising my own, I totally enjoy the entertainment value of children that aren’t mine. In one scene, Jack had to come grab a juice box from me in the kitchen. Jack: “I don’t like apple juice….” Director: “Ok, pretend it’s chocolate milk.” Jack: “I don’t have to drink it though, right?” And the inevitable “I’m ready to be done”, which I’m sure we’re all thinking.

By the end of the day, I had developed quite a rapport with the child actor people.He’s… laughing.

And I got Paris to work out a few kinks in my back while we were on break (AFTER her school work was done. C’mon, I’m not a slave driver!):I think I still owe her $20 for this.

Glamorous day be done! Once we wrapped, I met up with Ervin and we drove to Malibu for some Thai, which I had no idea existed by the beach, but which was amazing and perfect after a day pretending not to eat actual food.

This stuff is fun.



I Can Has Annoying Tourists In My Moments.

6 Sep

So, a lot has been going on this past week…(s). I shot a commercial and a pilot for a sketch comedy show. Do not be fooled. I didn’t make money every day that I worked. But I appreciate the chances I get to act. They are like Coca-Cola’s in the desert. Or water. Interesting Black Stallions. Whatever you would be excited to find. A cactus in the shape of a fork.

I feel tired, stressed out and super head-y about what I’m doing with my life. It’s been an enjoyable summer… just…taking it easy and wondering if I’ve made all the wrong choices for myself and if I’m capable of being my own best advocate in the future and maybe wondering if I rely too heavily on happy hour and working out to lift my spirits and what I really want to be doing. Carefree!

I went on a Runyon Canyon hike with Ervin. We haven’t been able to spend much time together and we’re in one of those spots where we’re really working at building our relationship. Working hard, if y’know what I mean.

We hiked up to this look-out point and took a minute to rest and survey the smog. Our hands clasped, I leaned in and said “I know things are hard right now, but I love you and I’m glad to be here with you.” “I love you too” he said. And we stood together in a hug shape and I listened to his heartbeat.

Two seconds later, “(TAP TAP TAP on my shoulder) COULD YOU TAKE OUR PICTURE?”

A blonde midwest-looking girl in cute shorts and a sensible T, made the hand motion that it would be she and her boyfriend, who was standing by. I was like “…..o….k….” as I took her iPhone and undid the hug I was in. Then we let them take our place on the ridge, as we backed out of frame and took a couple shots.

“THANKS S’MUCH!” and they scampered off.

Good day, tourist couple with your lives ahead of you. Don’t let life get you down. The world is your oyster. And everyone in it, your personal photographer.

As we hiked back down, I planned for the next time that happens: I will say “Absolutely! Just one sec here, let’s get a good one” and then reverse the iPhone camera (without flipping the phone around) so that it takes a picture of my sweaty, pissed off, fish-eyed face, “One more! Just in case! Aww, nice!” and snap a few of me mouthing “You are dead to me.”




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