She texted me about running with her in this December’s Malibu Spartan Race and I signed up in a heartbeat. She emailed me about auditioning for a new game show and I replied “Do I need to know trivia? I suck at trivia. Sign me up!!!” before really knowing what I was agreeing to. Happy hour tacos were partially to blame. I think everything’s a good idea when I’m on siestacation.
The next day, Jessica and I met up at In-N-Out to carpool in her sweet ride. She is Malibu Barbie in her white minivan. It has all the accoutrements: kid craft projects, tissues, snacks. It’s enough to make me silently loathe my car which is full of iced coffee cups, gum wrappers and jumper cables (which I have used twice this past month. Apparently that “your lights are on” dinging means your lights are on.)
I love Jessica. She’s one of those people who makes you feel like your life problems aren’t going to destroy you. We met in Kickboxing class at 24 Hr Fitness. It was love at first inappropriate sweat stain.
We arrived at the audition site and took note of what the other wannabe contestants were wearing. We were decidedly overdressed, simply because our lady bits were covered. I wore sneakers because I wanted to be ready for the possibility of an obstacle course, street fight or being slimed. I’ve never auditioned for a game show. But whatever it was we were playing, I wanted to win!
The premise for this show is that White Elephant gift giving game some of us play for Christmas. Where you don’t know what’s in the box, you switch gifts around, you end up stuck with some weird holiday slipper socks and drunk on egg nog. This game show is THAT, but imagine some of the gifts being $500,000, trips to Greece and Prada bags. Hollaaaaaa…
So, the first round of “auditions” was a simple introduction. Who are you, where are you from, what do you do. As soon as someone said “I’m a nudist”, I had already cut myself from the running. I can never think of anything interesting about myself, under pressure. “Hi, I’m… I’m just Lauren…. I’m…. (sigh)… It’s… I’m from Pennsylvania… if you know… where that… is…” But after Jessica killed on her intro as what I would call “Action Single Mom”, I decided to hit up my roots and talk about my great grandmother who was indeed raised by the Amish. Which makes me 1/8 Amish?
It worked. Jessica and I made it to the second round. Which was, playing the actual game. We spun the wheel, negotiated with the other contestants, and “won prizes”. I gotta say, even winning fake prizes feels SO GOOD. I fake LOST, so that wasn’t as awesome. After thinking I would be automatically cut after this round, per some NBC rules, I was surprised to hear them call “Jessica and Lauren” to head to the final round of casting.
We played what would be the end of the game – a 2 person showdown where you either share the wealth or try to royally screw your fellow contestant. We were individually taped and interviewed and filled out like a novella’s worth of questionnaires and paperwork.
I hope I didn’t sign anything that says I can’t talk about this. I did not read the fine print. I spent like way too much time on “What would people say your best/worst qualities are?” One of the questions was “If you don’t make it on the show, what’s a milestone in your life you’re looking forward to?” I answered “Fixing my front bumper.” I’m self-psychic! It’s like I know what’s going to happen with my bank account. (Sound of a balloon deflating).This is the best picture we have from the casting. So. Clearly, we were being judged on personality. The girl next to me was wearing peeptoe platforms and a minidress and said “I just like to go shopping, so this would help out my fiancee a lot” when asked why she should be on the show.
Ah, it’s all fun and game shows. Here’s hoping they’re looking for an Amish-ish Gal and a Hot MILF for the show.
Mama needs some rent money.