A Different Kind of Grateful.

3 Dec

mary-tyler-moore-hatThe guy behind me in line at Starbucks mentioned “I was in RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars” and I turned around to find a dude in a baseball cap, gray suit jacket and jeans. Disappointed in the lack of cleverly taped body parts, I Googled the All Star cast. Do you know how super hard it is to Google a Drag Queen? The day-to-niteclub transformation eliminates all distinguishing features.

I gave up, and had already looked through Instagram, along with my email, so up popped my Facebook newsfeed. I began to read about what everyone else was doing that day…

“BREAKFAST IN BED WITH MY LOVE!”. A different friend’s new puppy stayed up all nite. Someone else mentioned snow! A promotion! My baby boy! NATIONAL COMMERCIAL BOOKING! Blah blah just used the toilet for the first time! SUCH cute shoes. New car! Vacation! BEST HUBBY EVER! Hot girlfriend! IMPORTANT MEETING CAN’T TELL ANYONE WEEEEEEE! GRATEFUL THIS! GRATEFUL THAT! MONEY! SUCCESS! FORTUNE! TRAVELING!

I AM SO BLESSED AND SUPER FUCKING AWESOME!

My thumb scrolled madly until someone loudly slurred “Tallsrehlatteh, frehhLehhh” and I picked it up, assuming it was my tall soy latte, and not the Drag Queen’s.

I already felt defeated, just reading Facebook status updates about my “friends”. I should be happy for these people, right? I thought about my day ahead. Double shifts at the delivery job. And then back at it tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day… The other night, I delivered dinner to a mansion that’s valued at $26 million. How does someone ever end up with a house like that?

I began to feel frustrated with not having everything other people were grateful for. [Sigh.] Why can’t I have a puppy. Why can’t I afford new fall boots. Why don’t I have this amazing husband who I’ve been married to forever and I can say “Today, one billion years ago, I met the love of my life [TAG HUSBAND’S NAME HERE] who is the absolute best husband and father anyone could ask for!”. Why can’t I have a new baby everyone’s foaming at the mouth over. Why can’t I have an amazing career. Why can’t I have a new house. Why can’t I have a new car to park at my new house. Why can’t I live near my family. Why can’t I act on a TV show like my other actor friends. Why can’t I have money to travel and explore the world. Why can’t I look like a model. Why can’t I be independently wealthy.

WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! ALL I’M ASKING FOR IS EVERYTHING THEY HAVE BECAUSE THEY LOOK SO HAPPY!

I catch myself momentarily. What. The. F. – is going on with me… I’m downward spiraling into a fake world of hashtag “blessings”.

I was having a good day, just before this. Hot coffee and a Drag Queen. A lovely, simple Hollywood morning. Some other girl in front of me may or may not have been wearing real Louboutins. That’s always fun to figure out…

I thought about being grateful. For things that are in my life already, not all the things that I want and can’t have (they are plenty – one of them is a French Bulldog). Even if they are like the tiniest, f-ing positive things.

In 2013, I’m doing something: signing off of Facebook. For good. It’s just not having the effect I want it to have, on my life. While I’ve gotten to catch up with a few new/old friends, it’s missing all of the authenticity of real friendships. And lately, it’s been a junky catalyst for my freaking out over what I don’t have going on in my life. What I think should be normal for me and what absolutely isn’t normal in my world. And it’s not supposed to be. It’s making me want things I don’t even want. And feel bad about myself because of it. OMG WHY ARE YOU 34 AND NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH YOUR LIFE, YOU IDIOT! — Facebook seems to say.

I think it’s actually going to be a great gift to myself. A little renewed focus on doing my life the way I’m supposed to. Finding my own way, at my own pace, in my own direction. And to be grateful, simply for that.

XX,

L

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23 Responses to “A Different Kind of Grateful.”

  1. bcoco December 3, 2012 at 3:12 PM #

    I especially like all of the exclamation points and then the bold CAPS I AM SO BLESSED line. But of course I like it all. See you on “the instagram” toots.

    • Lauren Bair December 3, 2012 at 3:14 PM #

      I will be drooling all over your photos (well, my phone…). XO

  2. joeyhl December 3, 2012 at 3:27 PM #

    Girl, you do look like a model. You live a very interesting life. I wish I had a $26M home, too. But hey, I have a roof over my head. Life doesn’t usually turn out the way we want it to be. Besides, on Facebook, we usually just show the positive things… Although some do rant a lot. *Hide from feed. I am personally a big fan of your posts. They have substance. And they’re REAL. don’t go. Because I’ll be left with the Happy Tuesday people…

    • Lauren Bair December 3, 2012 at 3:30 PM #

      Hahaha! OK, thank you and also I think I was referring to legs/tall-wise, re: model. Thank you, gorgeous girl! I’m following you too… XO

  3. suzy j December 3, 2012 at 3:35 PM #

    I ADORE YOU!!! I feel you! If I really post what I want to post I would sound like an abusive parent that hates her husband and her life and all her blessings and such. I really want to post….”life is overwhelming, I put on 9 pounds, raising kids is the hardest job I have ever had and I cry more than I laugh lately, there is never enough money or time, I’m chubby, stressed out and yell too much, we broke our cats leg and the vet yells at me every time I take her in because I don’t change her bandage enough, my house is REALLY dirty and I keep feeding my kids fast food because I can’t seem to get it together, I haven’t spent any real time with my hubby and when we have the time I just want to veg out and watch Dancing with the stars and pray there is still someone chubbier than me on the show, oh, and I can drink my chubby weight in diet coke….. I may brake up with FB too. You are inspiring me. I love your honest guts!

    • Lauren Bair December 3, 2012 at 3:39 PM #

      SUZY! You are one that I will miss on FB ;) You tell it like it is, but you’re still hopeful in the midst of it. That’s my style. THANKFULLY, I will still get to see you in real life (which is my favorite way to see you), at your kickbox class and for a tan now and then. (I am turning electric white. Time for a spritz). Sometimes I think I can’t handle stuff and then I think about how much you balance and am inspired to keep truckin. Love you Suzy!

  4. jeff December 3, 2012 at 3:39 PM #

    This post is the most amazing post I’ve ever read and now am thinking about quitting FB too. all my ex wife does is post every 11 minutes how awesome her life is… all while we went thru a divorce. I’m over this shit. people only post what makes them look good. the best pics, the best updates.. their lives are no better than yours or mine. hell, i just got divorced cause she’s not in love.. but seems to be with FB status updates. So, i say this to you; all the things you dont have or can’t have or won’t have only make you who you are. The perfect husband will come along and he’ll most likely buy you some boots, you’ll have perfect kids, and you’ll feel more rich than anyone in a 26 million dollar house. So, bravo girl.. bravo.

    • Lauren Bair December 3, 2012 at 3:42 PM #

      Thank you Jeff — ugh, I can’t even imagine a divorce on FB. I went thru some breakups, but the “social” impact was pretty minimal. It’s so hard. And who knows what is really true for people. I hope that things are looking up in your world. Let’s both look forward to our next “pair of boots”. And to truly being richer than any millionaire. ;)

  5. Beth December 3, 2012 at 3:46 PM #

    On January 1st, I’ll take you out for a damn good cup of sit-down-with-your-real-life-friend coffee just to celebrate. Welcome to the non-FB club! Activities include watching Social Network and scoffing at Zuckerberg’s ego (cast in the wonderful Fincher-typical green-greyish hue).

    • Lauren Bair December 7, 2012 at 3:29 PM #

      Ahahahaha. I am so excited to join your people!

  6. Jen December 3, 2012 at 4:10 PM #

    As long as your Instagram and blog live on – I will accept this… If you are abstaining from all social media, then I will set myself on fire… Now – it may be immediately attributed to protesting the Dali Lama’s exile like a Tibetan, but we will both know I stand in silent [albeit flaming] support of something much, much bigger…

    • Lauren Bair December 7, 2012 at 3:30 PM #

      While I love a good protest, YES – I will be on Instagram and ALL OVER THIS BLOG. Because I love writing here and I love the people who come here to write, too. I could never give up technology all together. I like my iPhone too much. (And then what does someone do while they’re waiting in line? Angry Birds?)

  7. tinykitchenstories December 3, 2012 at 4:15 PM #

    GOOD for you! I wish I could, but it’s literally my job. Which sucks. There’s no way to switch off…and I wish, like Beth, I could take you out for a real cup of coffee in a real coffee shop (but not Starbucks. Hate their coffee and world domination!) and chat real-time. Just PLEASE, I beg you, don’t stop blogging because then I will DIE.

    So, no pressure….

    • Lauren Bair December 17, 2012 at 11:47 AM #

      GIRL! I will never stop blogging. Well. Not for a while. Like, a really long while… XO

      • tinykitchenstories December 21, 2012 at 1:49 PM #

        WHEW! Otherwise, that would have totally ruined Christmas. So very jealous of your FB sabbatical, but glad I’ll still see you on the blogosphere. Have an awesome Xmas with your tiny Hitler tree and E!

  8. Maria Aparo December 3, 2012 at 5:35 PM #

    Omg I’m so glad you wrote about this!! It has been having the exact same effect on me lately inspiring thoughts of quitting for good lest I start to resent the world. I stand united in your choice!

    • Lauren Bair December 7, 2012 at 3:31 PM #

      Thank you Maria!! I hope to keep up with you on various other media ;) XO

  9. tinykitchenstories December 3, 2012 at 6:28 PM #

    P.S. I forgot to mention that you’re awesome just the way you are.

  10. JaysonDaniel~ December 3, 2012 at 9:14 PM #

    This was a “Wonderful”,Written Prose/post/- it’s what i have been thinking To Myself in ~ “similar/Terms” For Quite Some Time/Now ~,’ ~ “Lovely”

    • Lauren Bair December 7, 2012 at 3:34 PM #

      ;) It’s nice to hear I’m not the only one!

      • JaysonimNobody!WhoareYou? January 14, 2013 at 10:46 PM #

        Thank you for your Lovely Blog,
        i Hope All your Dreams become Ah Reality __
        For ya __
        This New year ___

  11. Sarah December 4, 2012 at 11:26 AM #

    I remember feeling exactly the same way at 34 and that was before facebook. I don’t think it’s really about facebook ….some days it just feels like we’re at the merry-go-round and everyone has a horse but us……
    Unfortunately, those super cute couples with the darling babies are everywhere….Those beautiful houses with beautiful people driving beautiful cars and going on beautiful vacations aren’t going to go away. What I do know at 62 years is that life is tenuous, at best, and everything is subject to change. Money will come and money will go and at the end of the day, it’s having good health and loving friendships that endures. I love how your blog puts voice to what all of us feel at one time or another…thank you for your transparency!!

    • Lauren Bair December 7, 2012 at 3:34 PM #

      Sarah, thank you for writing this! And for your thoughts and wisdom. I wholeheartedly agree. Life is tenuous and ever changing. I definitely cherish the relationships in my life that help me thrive ;) But I will not give up on my quest to rid the world of cute babies. (I’m kidding). Love this!

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