The guy behind me in line at Starbucks mentioned “I was in RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars” and I turned around to find a dude in a baseball cap, gray suit jacket and jeans. Disappointed in the lack of cleverly taped body parts, I Googled the All Star cast. Do you know how super hard it is to Google a Drag Queen? The day-to-niteclub transformation eliminates all distinguishing features.
I gave up, and had already looked through Instagram, along with my email, so up popped my Facebook newsfeed. I began to read about what everyone else was doing that day…
“BREAKFAST IN BED WITH MY LOVE!”. A different friend’s new puppy stayed up all nite. Someone else mentioned snow! A promotion! My baby boy! NATIONAL COMMERCIAL BOOKING! Blah blah just used the toilet for the first time! SUCH cute shoes. New car! Vacation! BEST HUBBY EVER! Hot girlfriend! IMPORTANT MEETING CAN’T TELL ANYONE WEEEEEEE! GRATEFUL THIS! GRATEFUL THAT! MONEY! SUCCESS! FORTUNE! TRAVELING!
I AM SO BLESSED AND SUPER FUCKING AWESOME!
My thumb scrolled madly until someone loudly slurred “Tallsrehlatteh, frehhLehhh” and I picked it up, assuming it was my tall soy latte, and not the Drag Queen’s.
I already felt defeated, just reading Facebook status updates about my “friends”. I should be happy for these people, right? I thought about my day ahead. Double shifts at the delivery job. And then back at it tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day… The other night, I delivered dinner to a mansion that’s valued at $26 million. How does someone ever end up with a house like that?
I began to feel frustrated with not having everything other people were grateful for. [Sigh.] Why can’t I have a puppy. Why can’t I afford new fall boots. Why don’t I have this amazing husband who I’ve been married to forever and I can say “Today, one billion years ago, I met the love of my life [TAG HUSBAND’S NAME HERE] who is the absolute best husband and father anyone could ask for!”. Why can’t I have a new baby everyone’s foaming at the mouth over. Why can’t I have an amazing career. Why can’t I have a new house. Why can’t I have a new car to park at my new house. Why can’t I live near my family. Why can’t I act on a TV show like my other actor friends. Why can’t I have money to travel and explore the world. Why can’t I look like a model. Why can’t I be independently wealthy.
WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! ALL I’M ASKING FOR IS EVERYTHING THEY HAVE BECAUSE THEY LOOK SO HAPPY!
I catch myself momentarily. What. The. F. – is going on with me… I’m downward spiraling into a fake world of hashtag “blessings”.
I was having a good day, just before this. Hot coffee and a Drag Queen. A lovely, simple Hollywood morning. Some other girl in front of me may or may not have been wearing real Louboutins. That’s always fun to figure out…
I thought about being grateful. For things that are in my life already, not all the things that I want and can’t have (they are plenty – one of them is a French Bulldog). Even if they are like the tiniest, f-ing positive things.
In 2013, I’m doing something: signing off of Facebook. For good. It’s just not having the effect I want it to have, on my life. While I’ve gotten to catch up with a few new/old friends, it’s missing all of the authenticity of real friendships. And lately, it’s been a junky catalyst for my freaking out over what I don’t have going on in my life. What I think should be normal for me and what absolutely isn’t normal in my world. And it’s not supposed to be. It’s making me want things I don’t even want. And feel bad about myself because of it. OMG WHY ARE YOU 34 AND NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH YOUR LIFE, YOU IDIOT! — Facebook seems to say.
I think it’s actually going to be a great gift to myself. A little renewed focus on doing my life the way I’m supposed to. Finding my own way, at my own pace, in my own direction. And to be grateful, simply for that.