Rootin’ Tootin’ Valet.

14 Mar

chris-rock-beverly-hills-copOne night, a few weeks back, I was coming out of a restaurant with a big ole pile of Italian food, on my way to deliver dinner to a nice, wealthy, and high-tipping customer (…right). I had left my keys with the valet, and was walking toward him to make the exchange.

His back was turned toward me.

In the split second that I reached his personal space, but before I had said “Hi! It’s me again! Back for my giant bunch of keys –”, he let one rip.

A huge one. Loud and juicy.

I almost screamed. At the same time, I didn’t want to embarrass him by appearing in the midst of — the action. (Damn these stupid boots with their sneak-up rubber soles.)

He was standing in between the restaurant and my car. So I did this speed-walking wide turn where I approached him from the opposite side – seemingly having just simply strolled out of an Eastern European bridal shop with a bunch of lasagna.

I took my keys. We said nothing. Well, we said “Have a good night”. But he must have known, right? Did he? Surely my face betrayed me, looking all “Youuuuuu farrrrted.”

And “— I heard it. Because I was right behind your asshole.

I drove away as fast as I could. Vowing never to speak of this again.

[Fast forward, to last week.]

Let me set this up by telling you, I drank two “Cruciferous Cleanse” fresh juices, two days in a row, by accident. Any normal person would know what the word cleanse means. I just thought it meant “green”. And “health”.

I was driving my car, on the beat for the delivery job. I pulled up to a classy Mexican joint in West Hollywood. There was nowhere to park, so I waited for the valet to see me.

While sitting in my car, I….. Well. You know. I made a balloon animal. Cruciferous Cleanse had honed in on my guts and was having its way with them.

Of course I put all the windows down immediately. But no big deal. I was just gonna park my car and run into the restaurant.

The valet approached me and said, “I take keys and park car, ok?”

OH GOD. No living thing can survive in this atmosphere.

“O—-K… Um…” I stepped out of my car. “Uh… Lemme just get something.” I made like a LOT of extra motions of getting in and out of my car, waving bits of clothing around, opening and closing doors. It was like I had instant car-exiting OCD.


I was sweating and my stomach grumbled as I waited for some other people’s enchiladas.


I guess I paid it forward. I dunno. Our jobs are hard enough as it is. We don’t all need to be farting on each other.

Maybe someday I’ll be a famous person in a diamond-y Range Rover, pulling up to valet again, for real.

I promise to make sure it smells like fresh baked cookies in there.

Or at least fresh-struck matches.





20 Responses to “Rootin’ Tootin’ Valet.”

  1. love and cupcakes March 14, 2013 at 3:19 PM #

    Just did some serious LOLing and choked a little on my salad. Very good.

    • Lauren Bair March 14, 2013 at 3:26 PM #

      Paola! No choking on my watch! I was just looking at all your Instagram/blog pics and was like — that girl! She makes everything look delicious and well-designed and gorgeous! I wanna live in your head! XO (Check her out, people!

  2. tinykitchenstories March 14, 2013 at 3:48 PM #

    So, I don’t know why I expected you to say (this being LA and all) that he was snorting a big fat line of coke! This is MUCH funnier!

    And watch out for the beet juice/liver cleanse juice. It turned my pee & poop pink and I thought I was gonna die. Just FYI.

    • Lauren Bair March 15, 2013 at 7:04 PM #

      I ALWAYS think that, after beets. It’s like they also give me 24 hour amnesia. Eat em n forget em! And then think you’re hemorrhaging.

  3. laurafayesmith March 14, 2013 at 3:49 PM #

    You are HILARIOUS – I could not stop laughing at this!

    • Lauren Bair March 15, 2013 at 7:07 PM #

      Laura! Thank you so much! I’m so glad you liked it ;) XOXO

  4. Jeff oehmen March 14, 2013 at 7:50 PM #

    The day you stop posting is the day I quit the Internet.

  5. Piper Freeman March 14, 2013 at 8:59 PM #


    “Fresh struck matches”!! I love you…

    Hahahahahahah!!! REALLY good one. =)

    xoxo, Peepers

    PS – I’m sitting at a smoky/divey patio bar w/ Fernando, waiting for a college friend to meet up w/ me… And maybe Mark, if he can ever get out of work… And I think Fernando has found a piece of hipster flatbread under a table because he has zero interest in me (and also I can see it).

    • Lauren Bair March 15, 2013 at 7:06 PM #

      Hahahahaha hipster flatbread. I imagine it’s floppy and full of ennui. Oh, Fernie! He thinks he might die waiting. I admire his ingenuity. (And you know matches are the best remedyyyyyyy….) XO

  6. Jody Wynnyk March 15, 2013 at 10:19 AM #

    Thanks, I needed a good laugh!

    • Lauren Bair March 15, 2013 at 3:43 PM #

      Thank you Jody!! So glad you liked it – XO

  7. graceandivy March 17, 2013 at 11:47 AM #

    Hilarious! I just busted up laughing in the middle of a cafe. Alone. LOL! Love you!

    • Lauren Bair March 25, 2013 at 3:31 PM #

      That makes this blog worthwhile!! I love you too!! XO

  8. suzy j March 18, 2013 at 7:30 AM #

    I have never ever needed a post more in my life. Ever. never. I love you. I will laugh at this for the rest of the week. It may save my kids from being yelled at a couple times because when I want to yell, I will laugh….at your fart, at the valets fart, at the times this has happened to me. I adore you!!!

    • Lauren Bair March 25, 2013 at 3:33 PM #

      Suzy — now I can finally say I’m saving lives with my weirdo stories! Hahaha. I adore you too!! Thanks for keeping up with me on here! XOXO

  9. Jackaldog March 26, 2013 at 9:56 PM #

    My sister and I could not stop giggling at this post. Because we are really 12 years old and think farts are funny!! I was gas-powered on the trapeze the other day; my instructor who was spotting me told me to squeeze my butt and I did and…

    All in all, I <3 you. I'm hoping to be back in LA in Sept, and when I do, I want to take that pic of you face planted in Beverly hills somewhere and then we will go to the 24hr cupcake atm! They have gluten free options….

    • Lauren Bair April 23, 2013 at 2:29 PM #

      OMG I love this so much. Ahahahaha. It’s healthy!! I would love to see you in Sept!! We’ll get our gluten-free sugar rush on ;) XO


  1. Quitter. | THIS IS LALA LAND - April 23, 2013

    […] I got my favorite Cruciferous Cleanse juice (Yes and I did not learn my lesson about drinking it!), and realized I was waiting in line with Zach de la Rocha, lead singer for Rage […]

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