The Real Bruce Willis.

bruce-willis-die-hardMost nights at my delivery job, I’m dropping off dinner to the rich and not-famous-in-any-magazines-I-read-or-countries-I-go-to. But SOME nights, it’s like all my pre-teen celebrity fantasies come true in one ho-hum, “Um, OK, this order is going to Mr. Bruce Willis.”

Whaaaaaa?!!!!!! Like, the real Bruce Willis I used to watch in the movies and imagine saving me from exploding explosions at the last minute just in time for a quick badass comment about something cool?? THAT BRUCE WILLIS??!

I got in my car, with his order. The odds of him actually answering the door, are like 50/50. I was trying not to get my hopes up.

“Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfu—-” Well, yes, ok, it was too late.

I arrived at his house — after finally locating it in the dark, and buzzed the front gate.

Bruce Willis: “Hello?”

Crushy Teenage Lauren: “Hi! It’s Lauren from [delivery company]!”

Bruce Willis: “Hello, Lauren.”

Um……. BRUCE WILLIS: “HELLO, LAUREN.” If a meteor had struck me dead right then, I would have floated to Heaven, satisfied with my life’s purpose, which obviously was to deliver Bruce Willis his order of Dominick’s cheesy rice balls.

The gate opened, and I carefully maneuvered my car around like 5,000 black Range Rovers, in the dark. Someone was walking toward me. Omgomgomgomgomg it’s him.

I cracked out a “Hi!” My heart was pounding. I couldn’t believe I was looking at Bruce Willis. (I’m gonna keep saying his whole name.)

Bruce Willis: “Hey there!” Ugh, why is he so cool! He handed me a couple hundreds, even though his credit card had already been charged.

“Oh! We already have your card, so you’re all set.” I handed back the cash.

Bruce Willis: “Hmm! (long, confident pause). Thank you for your honesty.” I think his eyes actually had sparkly diamonds in them.

He signed the receipt and added a fat tip, and we said goodnight.

Bruce Willis: “Just back up slowly and then drive around to the other gate over there…”

“Ok great!” I noticed a red muscle car in the midst of the Rovers. “Is it cool if I take the red one?”

Bruce Willis: WHILE TURNING AWAY FROM ME, with maple-syrup-smoothness, “Sure — If ya can get it started!” And then a giant explosion happened and he shielded me from the shards of glass and metal for a second, before he was called on to his next mission. (– Probably eating some rice balls without me.)

Bruce Willis is one badass mofo. For life.bruce-willis-autograph



19 thoughts on “The Real Bruce Willis.

  1. I. AM. SO. JEALOUS. Was he wearing the outfit from Fifth Element? In my imagination, he was. I feel all schoolgirly. I think I would have turned into a big pool of blubbering idiocy, so WELL DONE for not only keeping it together, but for cracking an excellent joke! *sigh* I want to deliver Bruce Willis cheesey rice balls…

  2. I delivered to Demi Moore years ago, and this skinny guy in a baseball cap answered and I was all like, “Aw, man, who is this dude? And why didn’t Demi or Rumor or Ashton answer?” And then, as he closed the door, I was all like “OMG that is totally Bruce Willis…wait….!!!” But it was too late. And then there was an explosion and I don’t remember anything after that.

  3. amaze balls! Amazing cheesy rice balls! I have never wanted to deliver food so badly as I do right now. Sigh. Some girls have ALL the luck! I ADORE YOUR STORIES!!! I secretly live vicariously through you and read your stories with popcorn like they are mommy porn! LOVE THEM and YOU!

    • HAHAHA! I read your blog like single-not-a-mom porn (what is this family happiness and milestones and such!) Some night I’ll come kidnap you and make you drive around and do my job with me. YOU have to meet all the celebrities! XO

  4. I love that Bruce gave you a great tip. Glad to hear is awesome in his every day life as well as on screen. My favorite Bruce memories are when he is on Letterman…he always comes to play.

Talk to me, Baby.

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