The Real Bruce Willis.

25 Mar

bruce-willis-die-hardMost nights at my delivery job, I’m dropping off dinner to the rich and not-famous-in-any-magazines-I-read-or-countries-I-go-to. But SOME nights, it’s like all my pre-teen celebrity fantasies come true in one ho-hum, “Um, OK, this order is going to Mr. Bruce Willis.”

Whaaaaaa?!!!!!! Like, the real Bruce Willis I used to watch in the movies and imagine saving me from exploding explosions at the last minute just in time for a quick badass comment about something cool?? THAT BRUCE WILLIS??!

I got in my car, with his order. The odds of him actually answering the door, are like 50/50. I was trying not to get my hopes up.

“Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfu—-” Well, yes, ok, it was too late.

I arrived at his house — after finally locating it in the dark, and buzzed the front gate.

Bruce Willis: “Hello?”

Crushy Teenage Lauren: “Hi! It’s Lauren from [delivery company]!”

Bruce Willis: “Hello, Lauren.”

Um……. BRUCE WILLIS: “HELLO, LAUREN.” If a meteor had struck me dead right then, I would have floated to Heaven, satisfied with my life’s purpose, which obviously was to deliver Bruce Willis his order of Dominick’s cheesy rice balls.

The gate opened, and I carefully maneuvered my car around like 5,000 black Range Rovers, in the dark. Someone was walking toward me. Omgomgomgomgomg it’s him.

I cracked out a “Hi!” My heart was pounding. I couldn’t believe I was looking at Bruce Willis. (I’m gonna keep saying his whole name.)

Bruce Willis: “Hey there!” Ugh, why is he so cool! He handed me a couple hundreds, even though his credit card had already been charged.

“Oh! We already have your card, so you’re all set.” I handed back the cash.

Bruce Willis: “Hmm! (long, confident pause). Thank you for your honesty.” I think his eyes actually had sparkly diamonds in them.

He signed the receipt and added a fat tip, and we said goodnight.

Bruce Willis: “Just back up slowly and then drive around to the other gate over there…”

“Ok great!” I noticed a red muscle car in the midst of the Rovers. “Is it cool if I take the red one?”

Bruce Willis: WHILE TURNING AWAY FROM ME, with maple-syrup-smoothness, “Sure — If ya can get it started!” And then a giant explosion happened and he shielded me from the shards of glass and metal for a second, before he was called on to his next mission. (– Probably eating some rice balls without me.)

Bruce Willis is one badass mofo. For life.bruce-willis-autograph




19 Responses to “The Real Bruce Willis.”

  1. tinykitchenstories March 25, 2013 at 3:34 PM #

    I. AM. SO. JEALOUS. Was he wearing the outfit from Fifth Element? In my imagination, he was. I feel all schoolgirly. I think I would have turned into a big pool of blubbering idiocy, so WELL DONE for not only keeping it together, but for cracking an excellent joke! *sigh* I want to deliver Bruce Willis cheesey rice balls…

    • Lauren Bair March 25, 2013 at 3:37 PM #

      Hahaha. Yes. He always wears his Fifth Element outfit — all the time. He is like 10 billion times as awesome as you would imagine, in person. So cool……!!

  2. Ranielle March 25, 2013 at 3:59 PM #

    OMG. I die. This is amaze-(cheesey rice)-balls.

    • Lauren Bair March 25, 2013 at 4:27 PM #

      Ahahaha Ranielle! If you were here we could have simultaneously died together. It woulda been so cool…

  3. Crystal March 25, 2013 at 4:18 PM #

    OMG Lauren you are so cool! If he didn’t have a new wife and baby you would be MRS. LAUREN WILLIS RIGHT NOW. RIGHT. NOW.

    • Lauren Bair March 25, 2013 at 4:26 PM #

      I know, right? Sigh. He would have totally asked me out after signing the credit card receipt oh wait not really. Hahaha. I did spot a few strollers in the foyer… ;)

  4. Oranges and Avocados March 25, 2013 at 5:12 PM #

    I delivered to Demi Moore years ago, and this skinny guy in a baseball cap answered and I was all like, “Aw, man, who is this dude? And why didn’t Demi or Rumor or Ashton answer?” And then, as he closed the door, I was all like “OMG that is totally Bruce Willis…wait….!!!” But it was too late. And then there was an explosion and I don’t remember anything after that.

    • Lauren Bair April 4, 2013 at 11:00 PM #

      I adore this ENTIRE account. That explosion is how you know it’s BW ;) (I know you have all the best stories from this job….!) XOXO

  5. suzy j March 25, 2013 at 8:00 PM #

    amaze balls! Amazing cheesy rice balls! I have never wanted to deliver food so badly as I do right now. Sigh. Some girls have ALL the luck! I ADORE YOUR STORIES!!! I secretly live vicariously through you and read your stories with popcorn like they are mommy porn! LOVE THEM and YOU!

    • Lauren Bair April 4, 2013 at 11:02 PM #

      HAHAHA! I read your blog like single-not-a-mom porn (what is this family happiness and milestones and such!) Some night I’ll come kidnap you and make you drive around and do my job with me. YOU have to meet all the celebrities! XO

  6. Jen March 26, 2013 at 4:37 AM #

    That is so awesome! I really believed it at the end when he shielded you from the explosion!

    • Lauren Bair April 4, 2013 at 11:03 PM #

      I’m going to write just a movie ending starring me n him. It’ll be very short. Hahaha.

  7. casfreedom March 26, 2013 at 12:22 PM #

    Bruce Willis… it’s the guy from Moonlighting! (now I’m just showing my age). I too would like to have him shield me from an explosion. Loved it!

  8. carol heisey March 31, 2013 at 4:36 PM #

    I love that Bruce gave you a great tip. Glad to hear is awesome in his every day life as well as on screen. My favorite Bruce memories are when he is on Letterman…he always comes to play.

    • Lauren Bair April 4, 2013 at 11:06 PM #

      I LOVE it when celebrities can laugh at themselves. He seems really down to earth. (And so not Botox-y like the rest of the superstars his age!)

  9. Andrea April 12, 2013 at 5:47 AM #

    love this story :)

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