Most nights at my delivery job, I’m dropping off dinner to the rich and not-famous-in-any-magazines-I-read-or-countries-I-go-to. But SOME nights, it’s like all my pre-teen celebrity fantasies come true in one ho-hum, “Um, OK, this order is going to Mr. Bruce Willis.”
Whaaaaaa?!!!!!! Like, the real Bruce Willis I used to watch in the movies and imagine saving me from exploding explosions at the last minute just in time for a quick badass comment about something cool?? THAT BRUCE WILLIS??!
I got in my car, with his order. The odds of him actually answering the door, are like 50/50. I was trying not to get my hopes up.
“Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfu—-” Well, yes, ok, it was too late.
I arrived at his house — after finally locating it in the dark, and buzzed the front gate.
Bruce Willis: “Hello?”
Crushy Teenage Lauren: “Hi! It’s Lauren from [delivery company]!”
Bruce Willis: “Hello, Lauren.”
Um……. BRUCE WILLIS: “HELLO, LAUREN.” If a meteor had struck me dead right then, I would have floated to Heaven, satisfied with my life’s purpose, which obviously was to deliver Bruce Willis his order of Dominick’s cheesy rice balls.
The gate opened, and I carefully maneuvered my car around like 5,000 black Range Rovers, in the dark. Someone was walking toward me. Omgomgomgomgomg it’s him.
I cracked out a “Hi!” My heart was pounding. I couldn’t believe I was looking at Bruce Willis. (I’m gonna keep saying his whole name.)
Bruce Willis: “Hey there!” Ugh, why is he so cool! He handed me a couple hundreds, even though his credit card had already been charged.
“Oh! We already have your card, so you’re all set.” I handed back the cash.
Bruce Willis: “Hmm! (long, confident pause). Thank you for your honesty.” I think his eyes actually had sparkly diamonds in them.
He signed the receipt and added a fat tip, and we said goodnight.
Bruce Willis: “Just back up slowly and then drive around to the other gate over there…”
“Ok great!” I noticed a red muscle car in the midst of the Rovers. “Is it cool if I take the red one?”
Bruce Willis: WHILE TURNING AWAY FROM ME, with maple-syrup-smoothness, “Sure — If ya can get it started!” And then a giant explosion happened and he shielded me from the shards of glass and metal for a second, before he was called on to his next mission. (– Probably eating some rice balls without me.)