For those of us who don’t already know, I do not have kids. I don’t change diapers, drive anyone to ballet, or save for college. (…Or save. Money.)
I always thought I’d have kids by now, but when you’re struggling to put Ramen on the table, the last thing you’re thinking is “OMG, I would love to split this in half and SHARE it with someone who’s simultaneously screaming and crapping their pants.” Right now, I’m enjoying my relative freedom to spend all my baby money on taco nites all over LA, while doing all the screaming and crying myself.
Just trying to get you in my head, for this phone conversation between me and my agent. We had already had a conversation weeks prior, about how she thought I was pregnant/getting married/something, and I corrected her on all accounts.
(Ring ring) — Wait. It’s my iPhone. (MARIMBA!) I see it’s her Vegas number. Because that’s where she is. I’ve never met her in person. Hey-ohhh!
ME: “Hello?”
HER: “………………….oh. HI! It’s Minnie.” (That’s not her real name.)
ME: “Hi Minnie! How are you?” I talk loud and slow because she sounds like a 900 year old Jewish woman.
HER: “WELL…. I’m ok. Except for my broken foot.”
ME: “Oh no! What happened?”
HER: “I don’t know. I was seeing the movie OZ at the casinos, and then my foot hurt and it was broken – I don’t know. Have you seen that movie?”
ME: “Not yet.”
HER: “Well, you probably don’t get to the movies too much these days!” I’m thinking – oh! She’s remembering I’m broke and movies are expensive in LA. That’s nice! “But it’s probably not good for the little ones anyway.”
ME: Oh no. Switch topics! “Yeah, well — so, what time is my callback tomorrow again?”
HER: “11 in the morning. Do you have to get a babysitter?”
ME: Shit. I have to say something.”Minnie, I don’t have kids.”
HER: “What?”
ME: “……I don’t have kids.” With gravitas. I really really really do not have kids.
HER: “Oh! Well, that’s right, you can just take em with you!”
ME: “YEP! Well… THANK YOU MINNIE! I’ll be there tomorrow.” End of conversation, please!!
HER: “OK! Bye-bye!”
UGH, it’s exhausting to be raising these fake kids.
XX,
L
LALA LAND 
that shit is hilarious.
I laugh about it because this is actually a horrible quality in an agent relationship … that she has no idea who you are. HAHA.
RIGHT?! Goddamnit…
I love it. You can show her photos of my kids any time. But, don’t show her L’s treatment for R&J Part II. I’m afraid she’ll steal the part about the poison dart frog, and that’s brilliant shit that’s going to pay for L’s college some day! xxo
It SO IS!!! I am already like foaming at the mouth to see this production go to the silver screen ;) Tell L she has an audience waiting for her! XO
Maybe she could get some auditions for your “kids” and you could go instead…? Tell her they’re teens.
I’m surprised she’s not sending me on things that require me to have my own real children. THAT will be crazy to pull off. And I’m totally gonna do it…
And then you can say BOOYAH, beeyatch! Now THAT’S acting!!