richard-simmonsI took a hike this morning to clear my head. It was foggy and overcast, but the quiet was calming. I mean — other than the police helicopters flying just above my head, and my heart kind of racing wondering if they’re searching for me, or – more likely – for a murderer who is right next to me, hiding in the bushes. There was that “Head in Beachwood Canyon” thing last year.

Atop the hill, my reward was a view of downtown. And some girly oversized graffiti on the rocks that read “Welcome to Hevian!” I couldn’t have been more lucky. I was in Hevian.

Afterwards, I got my favorite Cruciferous Cleanse juice (Yes and I did not learn my lesson about drinking it!), and realized I was waiting in line with Zach de la Rocha, lead singer for Rage Against The Machine, a band I love long time. And now I finally understand we’re raging against the wheatgrass machine. Because — people, it makes the line like super crazy long…

But what I’ve been thinking about lately is streamlining my efforts here in LA. Working smarter. A few people told me I would never work so hard in my life, before I moved here. HELL YES! I am up for a mindblowing amount of acting work!  I ain’t afraid o no ghost! 

Really, what the work has been is an onslaught of hustling for rent money, and taking jobs when they come around. The kind of jobs that are rarely acting related. And doing an inordinate amount of “stuff I can do good”.

So, I had to let go of a couple things I can do good. One of them, was my job as a Turbo Kickboxing Instructor for 24 Hr Fitness.

“Hold on” — you say, “What the what?” I know. To be honest, I never even taught a class. But since I’ve been in LA, I got really good at punching and kicking the air, paid for my certification training in Costa Mesa, CA, then auditioned and got hired at 24 Hr Fitness. Success! …Right?

I then spent weeks trying to learn the choreography to teach an actual class. I spent the hours at my delivery job, playing the songs in my car and trying to cue moves, while navigating rush hour traffic and looking up addresses. WHY CAN’T I F****** LEARN THIS S***!!!!!! — I gently encouraged myself.

I had fantasies of teaching a class-full of people, and of one of my students coming up to me and saying “I’ve been taking your class the past year and I am a Casting Director for CSI:NCIS:FBI:MURDERSHEWROTE and we want you on the show. TELL ME you’re an actress and that you’ll quit this life and join us for a million dollars!”

I’d learned plenty of scripts in less time than this was taking. I’d memorized full on stories that weren’t mine! I’d taken ballet! I know most of the moves to Thriller! WHAT was the g****** problem!

“I don’t want to do this.” I said.

“You get a free gym membership though!” I said to myself.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to be a fitness instructor.”

“But everyone wants you to do it!”

“I know it seems like that.”

“Come on. It’s easy.”

“It’s literally eating my brain and keeping me from doing things I want to do more and I want to murder everyone.”

“Stop being an idiot.”

“YOU stop being an idiot.”

“…………..Ok. Maybe you should quit.” I finally agreed with me.

“I know. Maybe I should.” We hugged ourself.

I’m saying it’s ok to say no. And to quit what I thought was a good idea at first. I think, around these parts, a girl can get all caught up in something that looks like a quick way out of a tough spot. Something where you might just have at least one person saying “HEY! You’re awesome at that!” instead of feeling like you’re not good enough.

But all these extra things are like flowering vines on a growing tree. They look all pretty and bright green and new, but they’re really sucking the life out of it.

I apologize to all of you who had hoped I’d post a bunch of sweaty pics of my Instructing career on here. Believe me when I say, I am no pretty lady when I work out. My hair gets all frizz, my face flushes, my mustache sweats first. No one wants to see that.

But I’m feeling good about this. My 24 Hr Fitness early retirement.

I got shit to do.




15 thoughts on “Quitter.

  1. I miss you in person, and on Bookfacespace, and I’m so happy that you have this blog! Because I Love Lauren! XO And you’re hilarious, gorgeous and good at things.

  2. I think an elementary school flashback entry would make you feel all better : ) ..something like, “my favorites of elem. school…”…come on! : )

    • Tammi, I don’t want everyone to know how much I adoringly obsessed over the world’s ugliest GRAY sneakers I got in 5th grade. I loved them with all my heart. Or how much money I spent at the Farmdale Festival every year (It was pennies, but like a – lot – of pennies.) Or how I loved my panda tank top that I wore for field day in 6th grade! With matching panda shorts!

      Oh great. I just said it all ;) (It does make me feel better!) XOXO

  3. why don’t you write? for snl? or Ellen? you are HILARIOUS! I’m not just blowing smoke either. You make me laugh…til I pee. I call my friends and say “you HAVE to read this, I just peed! ” I’m just saying…maybe one more thing to make you miserable and sweaty or insanely happy? But GURRRL you makes me laugh! but maybe not snl cause then you’ll move…. Never mind….. You’re not funny. I don’t want you to go anywhere. good friends are hard to come by and as you can tell…I’m a great one by building you up then knocking you down for my own selfish motives. I love ya! ;)

    • Ahahahaha Suzy. This made my day. You are hilarious. We should write together. Alternatively, I’ll write something and the barometer will be whether you pee your pants. I miss you!!!! (And I still have the mini airbrush spray for you!) I’ll find my way up to your hood asap!! Love you!!

  4. Ditto to all of the above. And something new: I’m adding you to my quote files….”But all these extra things are like flowering vines on a growing tree. They look all pretty and bright green and new, but they’re really sucking the life out of it.”

    I found this online: “Essentially, a plant sucker is an effort by the tree to grow more branches, especially if the tree is under stress.”

    You’ve made me want to know more . . .

    (from gardeningknowhow.com)

    TREE SUCKER CONTROL It is better to try to prevent a tree sucker rather than having to deal with tree sucker removal. Here are some tips to help with tree sucker control:

    Keep plants in good health. Many times, the rootstock on a tree will start to grow plant suckers when the additional stresses, like drought, overwatering, disease or pests, threaten the tree.
    Don’t over prune. Over pruning can stimulate the growth of tree suckers. To prevent a tree sucker, try not to cut into growth that is more than a few years old, if possible.
    Prune regularly. While over pruning can cause plant suckers, regular healthy pruning can help with tree sucker control.

    TREE SUCKER – REMOVE OR LET IT GROW? While you might be tempted to leave a tree sucker, remove them as quickly as possible. A tree sucker will sap the energy away from the healthier and more desirable branches on top. Chances are, you will not be pleased by the plant produced by the tree sucker. Remove them to improve the health of the plant overall.

    TREE SUCKER REMOVAL Tree sucker removal is done in the same way pruning is. Using a sharp, clean pair of pruning shears, cleanly cut the plant sucker as close to the tree as possible, but leave the collar (where the tree sucker meets the tree) to help speed the wound recovery. Perform this tree sucker control as soon as you see any plant suckers appear so that you put less stress on your tree.


    Devotions for me, too, this morning.

  5. Those turbo kickboxing classes at 24 hour fitness made me look like a sweaty, beet-faced epileptic on crack. If you could teach one of those classes, I’d hate you for your coordination skills. Quit that shit, baby, and keep writing. Make us pee our pants. We LOVE IT.

      • There were hits last week? News to me. If it wasn’t for Pandora, I’d still be listening to music pre-1995.

        And in my imagination where we do go to the gym together, I see myself laughing so hard I fall off the elliptical. Because we’re making fun of everyone else, natch. xo

      • I don’t know who tinykitchenstories is but I love her too! She makes me laugh a lot when I read her comments. I want you both to come to my class and pee with me.

Leave a Reply to Lauren Bair Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s