Lauren’s Ellen’s “Better Baby”.

16 Sep

ellen-billboardSo, I did this infomercial for The Ellen Show. It aired last Friday and is called Ellen’s Better Baby, where I play a Mom, while wearing my signature pink NBC Network TV cardigan. I dunno – I just happened to be wearing it for this, and for that $#*@&%*# game show, back in December. JEREMY!! #neverforget

Here was my baby on set.

ellen-better-baby-02A total pleasure to work with. He literally just occupied himself while I chatted with the other actors and crew. A joy.

We shot in the home of my friend Kevin Leman, head writer on the show. He has like, too many Emmy’s to fit into one selfie — it’s disgusting, how talented and smart and funny and genuinely awesome he is. Disgusting.

It was easy-breezy-cheesy acting until we talked about “the carpool lane shot”. Carpool lane what now? This is green screen, right? Somebody?

The plan was for me to drive someone else’s car (which is always awkward at first), on the highway (“The 101” as LA people know it), during actual rush hour (eeeech!), in the carpool lane with a fake 2nd passenger (totally illegal, but it’s art or something, so whatever – I’ll take a nite in the clinker. Clink? Fuzz… joint? Oh God, what is the lingo — I’m going to be made someone’s b**** within 30 seconds behind bars), while being filmed by 2 dashboard cameras, and another in a Prius that would be following alongside me.

O….k….! I had never driven on camera before. And nevermind all the mental insanity of LA freeway driving, the point was to do one simple action: Smile and look down at the baby. What? SO EASY, you’re totally thinking!

(Aaaaaand merge onto the highway…)ellen-better-baby-01Immediately I realized I was driving at a speed reserved for Asian Great-Grandmothers. I jammed myself in, across 5 lanes of traffic to illegally cross the double yellow lines, into the carpool lane. WITH MY CARPOOL BUDDY WHO IS A DOLLBABY! I feared the worst (maleficent bee invasion), but the worst was actually the woman I could see in my rear view mirror, who was pissed we weren’t going 95MPH. And she was gonna tell me about it, through evil mascara eyes, and honking m.o.r.s.e code.

I was listening to the director cue me on speakerphone “DRIVE FASTER, LAUREN”. I sped up to, oh — I dunno… 62… as the exterior camera car followed along with me. “OK, DRIVE FASTER. LIKE, WITH THE SPEED OF TRAFFIC.” I pushed the pedal to the metal  all-weather carpet and made it to maybe 70 max. HONK HONNNNNNK HONK HA-HONNNNNNK. (Does that mean “I like your hair”?).

I was sweating.

SMILE, LOOK AT THE BABY, SMILE, WATCH THE ROAD, OMG THAT LADY BEHIND ME HATES ME SO MUCH, SMILE, STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU!, DRIVE FASTER, IS THAT THE COPS?, SMILE, LOOK AT BABY, SMILE, EYES ON THE ROAD!

And that was a wrap! It was mildly comforting that Adam who wrote the spot, and whose car I was driving, said that if I wrecked the car, The Ellen Show would probably comp him a new one. It did not keep me from pitting out in my cardi. I sweat because I’m healthy! (– Right?)

Anyway, it was a TOTAL blast to shoot — race car driving and all — and I think it turned out great. Ellen and her people are genius. I was so happy to get to be part of the fun, for a day.

And here is the proof I’ll be keeping forever. We’re almost touching…ellen-better-baby-03XX,

L

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8 Responses to “Lauren’s Ellen’s “Better Baby”.”

  1. Paola | Love+Cupcakes September 16, 2013 at 10:57 PM #

    This is so awesome!! How do I watch it? …googling now! xo

  2. Crystal September 16, 2013 at 11:26 PM #

    I was wondering if that was the same cardi! Good memories. #illneverforget #stillhuntinghimdown

    • Lauren Bair September 17, 2013 at 8:07 AM #

      I still get a rush of adrenaline when I think I see him in WeHo…

  3. tinykitchenstories September 17, 2013 at 2:10 PM #

    You should get an Emmy for this or something. Hilarious! I totally wish this was real so I could scare the crap out of my parents who are coming to visit this weekend. Imagine them arriving and seeing The Husband and I cuddling it while sitting on the front porch! Priceless. Although it might give someone a heart attack.

    I love the evil mascara woman. I have a feeling she never leaves the carpool lane, but is like the modern version of the bad guys in Mad Max, just driving driving honking driving, applying more mascara in the rear-view…

    Anyway, the post was worth the wait. Grams and I are very pleased. We’re almost done with the sweater! You’ll need a new one, as you’re wearing out that pink cardi pretty quick.

    • Lauren Bair September 17, 2013 at 7:50 PM #

      Ahahaha I cannot WAIT to try on my new sweater! Hahaha. Omg. This made me laugh. Including your account of Mascara Lady’s life. Which is 100% true and we all know it.

  4. Andrea Ehret September 17, 2013 at 5:47 PM #

    Lauren, I was laughing through this whole thing – love your writing!! You were great in that infomercial!! By the way, did you do a commercial for Anal Fissure? Kim just texted me and said she thought she saw you……..

    • Lauren Bair September 17, 2013 at 6:04 PM #

      Andrea!!! AHAHAHAHAHA omg. I don’t even know what an anal fissure IS — and I’ve never seen an ad for one of them! But I do wish I were in it. Sounds like it’s getting some great, um, exposure…! Thank you for your sweet words. XXOO

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