Peace and Quiet and Smoothie.


That’s a green smoothie. I know. This isn’t a food blog. And this isn’t a food post. You can keep reading…

I’ve been feeling quiet lately.

A couple months ago, in the frenzy of summertime, I was all “OMG! BE BUSY! Freak out and do a bunch of stuff even though you feel like being still and trying to be calm! GO! Just —- figure it out!!! HURRY! EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING SOMETHING!” And I basically ripped my hair out, trying to ACHIEVE. Trying to APPEAR to be achieving. Something. And trying to tell people about it, so it would be REAL!

But then…. I decided it was gonna have to be ok, to not be psychotically busy and Instragram-ably happy about life right now.

And to not pretend like I am. (–Gasp! What will people THINK??!)

I welcome you to join me as I meander through my mind grapes. I used to write essays in this style, in AP English back in high school. My teacher, Dr. Kondravy allowed me to freestyle on books I had only skimmed (how are you supposed to do sports, music and school at the same time?). And guess what. I love writing. And I don’t remember any of the curriculum at all. Which is fine – we all have the internet. And since then, I’ve read other satiating novels, such as Elle Magazine September Issue.

I missed the summer party boat this year. I’ve been feeling like everyone was going to weddings and vacations and picking vegetables from their gardens and drinking cocktails in the sultry summer breeze with their organic pet chickens and wearing cute Birkenstocks, without me.

Wait – Ew. What? Yeah, Birks are back. I’m confident that everything I wore as a 16 year old has in fact returned, and I shall be wearing none of it. Especially you, brown eyeliner-as-lipliner with Chapstick. I’ve moved on. I’m an adult woman who wears Burt’s Bees lip gloss and it tastes delicious.

Summer is the slowest time for my delivery job. Where did everyone go, the South of France? Those French delivery people must be making bank as they Vespa around, delivering…. pizza. Pizza’s everywhere, right? Pizza boat on baguette, maybe. You’re welcome for that idea, French.

So, I have no extra money to do all the things that look fun. Or… pay my rent comfortably. Y’know.  It’s a time of tucking away and making the best of things. Kind of the opposite of my personality, but there are sacrifices… I don’t wanna be a whiny, oversized little girl about it.

** I am eating almond butter straight out of the jar right now **

I’ve gotten myself a handful of auditions this summer, by obsessively submitting online to anything remotely appropriate. My agent, who still thinks I have kids, took on a new representative for the agency’s theatrical division. That includes film/tv. I am hoping for a breath of fresh air in that arena, since I’ve gotten in the door for film/tv auditions zero times in LA. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines, dying to play.

But I’ve always been kind of a late bloomer.

At home, Ervin and I continue to discover the intricacies of living together, having moved into our place 3 months ago. I’ve since let go of the “toilet lid down because it’s prettier and I use it as a counter space” issue. And we’re trying to slow-cook the meat and potatoes of a strong relationship. I’m not gonna lie. This shit’s hard. Especially when everything else is, too.

We had a fight that shall be forever known as: Guacamole.

I also struggle to make real friends and connections here. In a city famously drowning in self-congratulating and vacuous people trying to get ahead. How do you stand out as NOT-that. And how do you find the others who are also NOT-that?? I still believe there are some good ones here. They just might be in Compton…

So, I did this eating cleanse over the summer, and made this smoothie every morning, for Ervin and I. He’s from Puerto Rico (land of fried starches) and he liked it! Me too. It gave me the feeling of “well at least I did that”, which is… kinda positive, right? It’s VERY LA to drink a green juice in the morning. Or for every meal, even! Like an old person who no longer has any teeth and sucks their gums together to say “hamburger please” but no one can understand…

*Still waiting on the clutch-sized syringe that allows me to shoot kale juice straight into my veins. What gives, Hollywood?

Everyone has their favorite, but right now, here’s what goes in mine:

green-smoothie-02The actual measurements are:

– The biggest fistful of spinach
– 1 c unsweetened vanilla almond milk
– 1-2 T almond butter (I started making my own. It’s about as domestic goddessy as I get. OK, ok. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to bake cookies. So that counts.)
– 1 T chia seed (– gel. It blends right in, if you’re not into textures. Just put 1/4 c chia seeds in 1 c water and let them soak overnite. Just do what I say!)
– 1 t maca powder
– 1 t spirulina
– 1 t bee pollen
– 1/2 c frozen blueberries

You blend it in a blender, and drink it down, and drink whiskey and eat donuts the rest of the day if you want. You earned it!

Here’s the truth about why I put all that crap in there. I was in Brownies for one year, so this is the pre-Girl Scouts honest truth. I quit organized scouting when I realized I hated selling cookies (YES. THE COOKIES that everyone scrambles to snarf down at Girl Scout cookie time! My parents wouldn’t take the order sheet to work. So I was stuck begging my grandparents to buy Tagalongs they would never eat. It was probably a nice change from all the other times I tried to sell them beach towels and posters, for school):smoothie-checklistI am not joking about almond butter. It is my Kryptonite.

So, your skin will look awesome, you’ll feel awesome, blah blah blah…

Sometimes you just need something extra.

I’ll add, say, a dash of candy hearts. Nothing says “You got this” like an outdated, sugary “E Mail” heart. Think about how far we’ve come! 

green-smoothie-04Or I squeeze out the saddest looking My Little Pony and reap the health benefits!

Their tears are our flawless skin.
green-smoothie-03And, if it’s been a good week and I can find one, I harvest one celebrity eyelash extension. This is great, because you can pick whoever you like the most that day. *Remember to harvest sustainably! (Don’t leave any visible holes).
green-smoothie-05Bon appetit, c’est la vie, and baguette!



The girl at the top is Emily Ratajkowski from Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines music video. She might be the world’s most awkward dancer.

3 thoughts on “Peace and Quiet and Smoothie.

  1. Harvest sustainably…you crack me up. That’s like the guy in Fight Club using women’s liposuction fat to make soap and selling it back to them for lots of money. I think you could be on to something there…

    And totally with you on chia seeds in smoothies. Have you tried making chia seed pudding yet? You could add it to your domestic goddess list. Mix 1 tbs of chia seeds with 1/2 cup of that almond milk. Shake. Put in fridge overnight. Shake once more, then eat. It’s weird looking but strangely compelling. AND it’s a cheap, lo-cal dessert. What’s not to love?

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