Archive by Author

Girl Scout cookies.

13 Feb

Are you feeling the rush?

sugarrushgirl

They’re at every grocery store, every street corner, and street-wise cookie bosses wait outside L.A.’s marijuana dispensaries. It’s Girl Scout cookie season. And America’s got the fever.

I used to be a Thin Mints girl. Then I fully leaned into Samoas. Ok, and I did some Do-si-dos for a hot second. But before all that, I was…a BROWNIE.

For those of you unhip to the world of professional child scouting, Brownies are introductory, basic, level 1 Girl Scouts. Except instead of the typical green getup, you wear a brown outfit and patch-less sash because you’re 6 and you’ve done nothing with your life. Also, brown? Whoever thought of that design scheme blatantly dishonored the timeless tradition of little girls in America: PINK. Continue reading

Party girl.

6 Feb

It’s my birthday this month. And I hate it already.

RG gif

I’ve tried to rally myself into being a birthday party person, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to invite people to a party who’s theme is…me. Like, people have shit to do. Groceries. Walking the dog. There are like a hundred million Netflix originals to watch.

And this year, there’s too much pressure to have a blow-out bash with 10,000 of my closest friends, go on some life-changing trip to Thailand, or do some charitable work that I can stab everyone in the heart with, on Instagram.  Continue reading

I Am Avocado Plant.

5 Oct

I hate talking about this. Because I feel like someone will be like, “This is how a loser sounds, loser!” But. I’m going for it anyway.

meangirls

This is a case for slow-motion.

For waiting. For the right timing. For baby steps.

( … F*** baby steps!!) I know. I’m with you. My preferred timing on things is: 1. Initial Attempt, 2. WILD SUCCESS.

But it doesn’t usually work like that. Except for people like this dude I met at an audition once who bro’d out on me like, “Pshyeah… my roommate was all, dude you should be an actor, and I was like, nah man, but then I went to this random casting, and booked this Budweiser thing, and made like $50,000!”

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Continue reading

Feet Fit For Radio.

29 Feb

I don’t like to check my email right when I wake up, so I usually just check my email right when I wake up.

I found a message calling me in for a commercial audition! Yay! “MUST HAVE NICE FEET / NO FOOT MODELS / WEAR SOMETHING THAT SHOWS ARMS AND LEGS / BAREFOOT IN AUDITION”.

*#$%&*#$(%^@#&$@#*!!!!!!!!!

I blinked my eyes to confirm — ugh, fuck. FEET.

Clammy with a fresh terror sweat, I clocked my Sasquatch snaggle toes.

pyzbkzjncczgw Continue reading

The Camembert.

5 Feb

This story starts out alright.

Ervin and I were sipping almond milk lattes at Intelligentsia in Silverlake. I’m always torn between — wait. What am I saying. I’m never torn. All I do is 1. Try not to chug my drink, and 2. Make some sort of conversation while I’m 3. ACTUALLY watching people and wondering about their lives…

Me: “So what was that story about that thing?”

Ervin: “OK, so –”

Me: “I love that girl’s style. I would wear that. What–? OK. Yes. SO. Go ahead, you were saying…”

Ervin: “So –”

Me: “OMG! Shhh. Wait. So… that’s the guy from ‘Casual’…”

Ervin: “Who?”

Me: “That guy!Continue reading

Couples Yoga.

18 Aug

thisislalaland-couplesyoga-03I’m a decent person. I’m into fitness and health (shh, fridge pizza, shhhhh). I like when people are happy and in love…

But y’know… what really gets me jazzed about livin’… COUPLES ACRO YOGA. Mmmmmmm…. fuckin love it. Continue reading

Bairs / Los Angeles

1 May

dad-mom-point-dumeHey hey!! I know it’s been a while, but I’m back, betches ;)

And to the one person still reading this blog, this one goes out to YOU! (Mom, if it’s you, pretend you’re someone else, in the comments…)

So, my parents just visited me in Los Angeles, and if it’s not cool to wanna hang out with your parents, then I don’t wanna be right. Or cool. Whatever. I loved hanging out with them and doing ALL THE THINGS. Continue reading

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