I don’t like to check my email right when I wake up, so I usually just check my email right when I wake up.
I found a message calling me in for a commercial audition! Yay! “MUST HAVE NICE FEET / NO FOOT MODELS / WEAR SOMETHING THAT SHOWS ARMS AND LEGS / BAREFOOT IN AUDITION”.
I blinked my eyes to confirm — ugh, fuck. FEET.
Clammy with a fresh terror sweat, I clocked my Sasquatch snaggle toes.
It was Melissa Fumero’s bday the other day, aka Detective Amy Santiago on “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” — one of the funniest shows on TV right now. She posted a pic of her on-set celebrations with bday-bud Kyra Sedgwick, a cake, and a whole mess of cast and crew, with the caption: “Workin at my dream job with my beloved castmates… cake for breakfast… been a pretty amazing birthday so far! #HowDidIGetHere” and I thought — man. I wanna be able to say that. (I know. My dream is an on-set birthday? With a cake I gotta share???!) It’s that *feeling* that I want. And the work. Together. Awesome if there’s also cake.
Then I thought — omg, duh. I had a tiny taste of this a couple weeks ago when I booked a commercial shoot in NYC. ENN WHYYYY CEEEE, BABY! It’s my favorite city in the world (– don’t tell LA, that betch get jellies). I was SO excited to jet-set across the country, and work as an ACTOR.
My plane landed at JFK and some kid behind me exclaimed “I can see the Empire State Building!” (Pause) “And the Golden Gate Bridge!”
No one corrected him. Continue reading
You’s guys. My bezzzz friend Dan Magro and I FINISHED 18 bonafide episodes of “Sleepover With Dan + Lauren”! And to celebrate — in lieu of having everyone over for the world’s sweatiest, most awkwardest actual sleepover — we threw a good ole fashioned party.
That’s us up top, kinda looking like DJs, kinda looking like we had a personal relationship with the bartender…(Looks like water, tastes like alcoholic Christmas trees!)We gussied ourselves up (I am definitely wearing that same dress I always wear: Mischa Barton’s hand-me-down Herve Leger, which I’ll wear until it becomes one sad little dangling bandage…) and hit Gold Coast in West Hollywood. With a million of our closest friends and fans (wink!). We felt totally honored that everyone came out to party with us (and watch the Season 1 finale!) It was — a total blast. Continue reading
I dunno about you guys, but I loves me some pie. Apple, key lime, chocolate cream, peach, blueberry, strawberry, razzleberry… You get it.
So when I got the chance to be obsessed with pie on camera for a paycheck, you know I pretty much cocoa-pie’d my pants in excitement!
Marie Callender’s only ever existed in the freezer aisle of my formidable East Coast years. But on the West Coast, there are like — real restaurants, with delicious HOT food. And margaritas the size of your head. Us actors would be playing the most enthusiastic Marie Callender’s servers ever there were. Continue reading
“You’re sitting in a wheelchair, looking at your premature baby in an incubator, and you’ve just gotten out of surgery, having almost died. Aaaaaand…action.”
I fixed my eyes on what I decided was the “incubator”. A burgundy throw pillow, on the opposite side of the room.
“Take your time with this… I’m going to improv with you between your lines.” The casting director fired up the camera.
Oh no. Ok. Well, here goes.
Me: “Doctor, I —“
“YES, how can I help.”
Oh. This is like, a lot of improv. Between all the words.
“…I am wondering if my baby will be—“
“—be… OK. If she will be ok…”
My eyes were welling up. I held on tightly to my wheelchair, which was a plastic office chair with normal legs. I tried to seem “Tired. Recently surgeried.” Continue reading
I went to a callback yesterday for a job that I’m definitely booking because if there’s one thing I know about this town, it’s that forcing your hair into beachy waves and whitening your teeth with a homemade peroxide solution equals a successful career!
I arrived at this callback in the same clothes I wore for the first audition, two days before. I felt like a homeless person who has a crumpled business suit tucked away for special occasions.
In the casting office lobby, I found a bunch of “Moms” like me but more symmetrical, child actors with their real Moms and nannies, and some nerdy looking “Dads”. All the kids were glued to iPhones and iPads. A slurry of psychotic sounding music was softly annoying everyone.
The casting director announced the next grouping of Dad, Mom and kid. “OK! Next up, is…. Tiffany, Mark, and Slayden-Jet-Applesauce.” The kids had the cool names. Continue reading
So…it’s been a while since I’ve gone on an audition. “OMG it’s pilot season! What’s wrong with her?!” My brain bitches to my heart. And my heart responds with a don’t-interrupt-me-while-I’m-eating-ice-cream-and-watching-Long-Island-Medium-and-feeling-sad-for-myself “– I don’t know.”
I did finally get an audition through my agent, for the first time in forever. For a crappy play. In a town a hundred miles away. That is the actual distance. I’m pretty sure she hates me.
At least she didn’t ask me what I would do with my kids, if I got hired to do a show. “Um, leave ’em at home with some water and a really big bowl of cheese puffs, obviously. It’s just a couple months.”
I declined the theater audition, but I did go on a self-submitted audition for an allergy medicine. I was just getting over a cold. I. Was. Ready.
I walked in to a really backed-up cattle call type situation. And all the cows looked like me. “Moo. Did you sign in?” “Moo. No. The casting assistant is still at lunch, Moo.” “Ok. Moo.” I held my head shot like a top secret document. I hate for other actors to see my dorky picture. Or my resume, on the back. It’s tough because there’s not a benign third side.
All us actresses read the casting call, so we all looked like “Fresh! On the go! Not-Mom-ish!” Some gals did that in UGGS, some did it in flats. And one girl did it in animal print peep-toe platform heels. Continue reading