Call of Duty. Jury Duty.

30 Sep

me-juror-badge

This is the real story of one woman, one murder, really complicated words, a disappearing knife, and a crappy cappuccino.

To be honest, I had been postponing my jury duty for months already. “I don’t get paid for this shit…” I mumbled to myself as I punched in the numbers to check in for my summons. It was my last day of calling-in, so I figured I was pretty much home free —- “YOU ARE REQUIRED TO REPORT ON FRIDAY AT 7:45AM.” I had to repeat the message from the robot on the phone. Ugh, crap.

OK, ok. I could do *one* day, downtown at the courthouse. I mean my work doesn’t pay me to be there, but — I work at night, the court stuff’s during the day, civic duty, might be a kinda cool, blah blah blah. Don’t be a weenie.

Besides. I could make it a fun experiment. Hey-oh! What a fun little day-in-the-life-of-a-reluctant-juror this will be! And then I’ll get back to my regular life! …Right?

Right???!

Continue reading →

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Blue Buffalo Shoot, NYC.

21 Aug

blue-buffalo-shoot-nyc-skyline

It was Melissa Fumero’s bday the other day, aka Detective Amy Santiago on “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” — one of the funniest shows on TV right now. She posted a pic of her on-set celebrations with bday-bud Kyra Sedgwick, a cake, and a whole mess of cast and crew, with the caption: “Workin at my dream job with my beloved castmates… cake for breakfast… been a pretty amazing birthday so far! #HowDidIGetHere” and I thought — man. I wanna be able to say that. (I know. My dream is an on-set birthday? With a cake I gotta share???!) It’s that *feeling* that I want. And the work. Together. Awesome if there’s also cake.

Then I thought — omg, duh. I had a tiny taste of this a couple weeks ago when I booked a commercial shoot in NYC. ENN WHYYYY CEEEE, BABY! It’s my favorite city in the world (– don’t tell LA, that betch get jellies). I was SO excited to jet-set across the country, and work as an ACTOR.

My plane landed at JFK and some kid behind me exclaimed “I can see the Empire State Building!” (Pause) “And the Golden Gate Bridge!”

No one corrected him.  Continue reading →

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Go To Bed.

14 Jul

sleepover-wrap-party-01You’s guys. My bezzzz friend Dan Magro and I FINISHED 18 bonafide episodes of “Sleepover With Dan + Lauren”! And to celebrate — in lieu of having everyone over for the world’s sweatiest, most awkwardest actual sleepover — we threw a good ole fashioned party.

That’s us up top, kinda looking like DJs, kinda looking like we had a personal relationship with the bartender…(Looks like water, tastes like alcoholic Christmas trees!)sleepover-wrap-party-10We gussied ourselves up (I am definitely wearing that same dress I always wear: Mischa Barton’s hand-me-down Herve Leger, which I’ll wear until it becomes one sad little dangling bandage…) and hit Gold Coast in West Hollywood. With a million of our closest friends and fans (wink!). We felt totally honored that everyone came out to party with us (and watch the Season 1 finale!) It was — a total blast. Continue reading →

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It’s A Sign.

30 Jun

hollywood-sign-me-turnham-01

I am having some JGSAD today. (June Gloom Seasonal Affective Disorder). June Gloom is this weird cloud layer (It’s not SMOG – I checked) that hangs around and makes the mornings dark and kinda chilly. I’m drinking iced cold brew coffee, wearing a sweater and shorts, squinting even though there is no sunshiny sun — WHAT IS REAL ANYMORE. But we Angelenos willingly accept this month-long punishment for having the best weather in the continental U.S. the rest of the year.

I mean, come on. My skin has become the thinnest layer of an onion, tolerating nothing but 75 degrees and mostly sunny. Thanks, Los Angeles!

That’s what THREE YEARS IN LA will do to ya. Turn you into a weenie who’s disturbed by clouds. I’ve actually been here 3 1/2 years and to celebrate, my old roomie Chris Turnham and I made our first pilgrimage to the Hollywood Sign! High atop the hills of mansions and celebrities, there are the letters: H-O-L-L-Y-W — ok, you can spell. Continue reading →

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Movania’s In The Bag.

23 Jun

movania-meany-mays-bag-02So I was doing this acting thing with this kid Art Parkinson (and when I say “thing” I mean awesome upcoming project and when I say “kid”, I mean successful actor you’ve seen on, oh I dunno – Game of Thrones ‘n stuff…). He has so much talent packed in that little kid body of his. I learned so much from him. Mostly, what the cool kids in Ireland are saying these days… which I can’t tell you or I’ll have to kill you. Let’s just say you’ll need some “major skillage” if you wanna hang ten in Ireland. Is there surfing? I dunno. There is definitely whiskey. Continue reading →

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Shooting Marie Callender’s.

17 Jun

marie-callenders-shoot-01I dunno about you guys, but I loves me some pie. Apple, key lime, chocolate cream, peach, blueberry, strawberry, razzleberry… You get it.

So when I got the chance to be obsessed with pie on camera for a paycheck, you know I pretty much cocoa-pie’d my pants in excitement!

Marie Callender’s only ever existed in the freezer aisle of my formidable East Coast years. But on the West Coast, there are like — real restaurants, with delicious HOT food. And margaritas the size of your head. Us actors would be playing the most enthusiastic Marie Callender’s servers ever there were. Continue reading →

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Russian Lady Day.

15 May

me-momI don’t want to sound like an asshole.

I mean, I have a Mother. And a really amazing one. She’s the kindest, most generous person I know. And I will always want to make her proud of me. Her heart is the size of a beach ball, and her capacity to love, surpasses any living human’s. She is beautiful. Her teeth are white as snow. And her joyful spirit will always be that of a fun 29 year old.

My sister is also a Mother. And a great one. With a full-time job, and two little’ns under the age of three. She never sleeps, she travels for work, and somehow she never turns the page to “raging homicidal maniac”.

Many of my friends are also Mothers. I see their adorable, messy, hilarious photos and updates online. Once in a while, witnessing them in action. They are amazing women, each unique and strong and perfectly imperfect.

Truly, I am in awe of them. I couldn’t do what they do.

I can barely do what I do.

We used to “make my Mom breakfast in bed” (thanks to my Dad) on Mother’s Day, and then sit too close to her and watch her drink fresh OJ and a muffin or something. We had long since before, eaten too many bowls of Fruit Loops, because we had already been up for 15 hours, because we were kids, and our job was to be annoying. Sleeping in? What was that! The sun was lazy compared to us! UGH, why is this orange juice thing taking forever!

In the days leading up to Mom’s Day this year, I definitely watched too many diamond commercials, stabbing at my last remaining heart-string, “IF YOU’RE WORTH ANYTHING IN LIFE, YOU GET A DIAMOND, YOU STUPID IDIOT!” with swooning, mushy-hearted men who would never exist in real life and not one day come out as unapologetically gay. Continue reading →

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