I don’t like to check my email right when I wake up, so I usually just check my email right when I wake up.
I found a message calling me in for a commercial audition! Yay! “MUST HAVE NICE FEET / NO FOOT MODELS / WEAR SOMETHING THAT SHOWS ARMS AND LEGS / BAREFOOT IN AUDITION”.
*#$%&*#$(%^@#&$@#*!!!!!!!!!
I blinked my eyes to confirm — ugh, fuck. FEET.
Clammy with a fresh terror sweat, I clocked my Sasquatch snaggle toes.
I don’t want to sound like an asshole.
I mean, I have a Mother. And a really amazing one. She’s the kindest, most generous person I know. And I will always want to make her proud of me. Her heart is the size of a beach ball, and her capacity to love, surpasses any living human’s. She is beautiful. Her teeth are white as snow. And her joyful spirit will always be that of a fun 29 year old.
My sister is also a Mother. And a great one. With a full-time job, and two little’ns under the age of three. She never sleeps, she travels for work, and somehow she never turns the page to “raging homicidal maniac”.
Many of my friends are also Mothers. I see their adorable, messy, hilarious photos and updates online. Once in a while, witnessing them in action. They are amazing women, each unique and strong and perfectly imperfect.
Truly, I am in awe of them. I couldn’t do what they do.
I can barely do what I do.
We used to “make my Mom breakfast in bed” (thanks to my Dad) on Mother’s Day, and then sit too close to her and watch her drink fresh OJ and a muffin or something. We had long since before, eaten too many bowls of Fruit Loops, because we had already been up for 15 hours, because we were kids, and our job was to be annoying. Sleeping in? What was that! The sun was lazy compared to us! UGH, why is this orange juice thing taking forever!
In the days leading up to Mom’s Day this year, I definitely watched too many diamond commercials, stabbing at my last remaining heart-string, “IF YOU’RE WORTH ANYTHING IN LIFE, YOU GET A DIAMOND, YOU STUPID IDIOT!” with swooning, mushy-hearted men who would never exist in real life and not one day come out as unapologetically gay. Continue reading
It’s been a whole year for THIS IS LALA LAND! I considered doing some kind of hilarious (to me) giveaway where I send one lucky reader an assortment of some of the things I’ve featured on the blog (for example: the cactus, the onesie , the condoms from yesterday…). But there wasn’t time to put anything together, so instead I figured the second best thing would be to bake a tiny cake for my laptop and sing “happy birthday” to it!
So, I didn’t do that either. What I did, was wake up for work, grab a bottle of wine from the fridge, and toast you guys from my awesome laundry room! Woooooo(I did not drink that whole bottle – I just had a sip)oooooooooo!
YOU GUYS ROCK. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!
I’ve learned so much through all of this — a little about writing — mostly about life. And I enjoy sharing my stuff and hearing about your stuff. I hope we can continue this lil thing we got going on…
TO US!
XX,
L
Lauren Bair